Snort Pig Eats Popcorn

Okay, so I am the first one to admit that this a kinda mean thing to do, so if you have a problem with that you might wanna step off the carousel right now because this pony is about to go. I worked with someone once who was all kinds of annoying. She was always getting up in my personal space and standing too close to me which was never cool because she had a penchant for not wearing underwear. Why she always wanted to let me know when it was a commando day, I will never know, but it still haunts me. One day I was feeling particularly annoyed by her because she kept getting into conversations that she was neither a part of nor welcome to. "This an A and B conversation, so please C your way out of it, okay bitch?" She could be on the other side of the room pretending to do sidework and hear two other people laugh at something. She'd yell out, "What? What's so funny? I wanna know." You know the type?

At this particular restaurant, we served bowls of popcorn to the tables when they sat down. It wasn't any special kind of popcorn, just some shit that was bought in bulk over at the Costco or Sam's Club. We all nibbled on it, but only when it was fresh out of the bag. This girl would eat it like it was her only source of sustenance for the day. I imagine that she didn't have access to a refrigerator, pantry or a grocery store because she always had feeding bag full of popcorn attached to her face. You know how you eat popcorn at the movie theater in the safety of the darkness? You cram it in by the handful and some falls onto your lap and you just pick it up from there and shove more in? Yeah, that's how she ate it all the time. When I was at the computer and she was waiting to get on it after me, I would always just close what I was doing because the sound of the incessant smacking that came from her lips was too much to take. I wanted to fucking punch her in her popcorn puss.

One day, I bussed a table who had left a bowl of half eaten popcorn. None of us ever ate out of the bowls that were left on the tables because we all know that people don't wash their hands and the bacteria in there is rampant. It's like the bowls of peanuts at bars. I took the bowl of popcorn over to the trash can ready to dump it when I spotted good ol' annoying girl out of the corner of my eye. I decided to just put the nasty used popcorn on the sidestand right where we would normally keep our clean bowl of popcorn to see if Hungry Hippo would eat it. I told all the other servers to avoid it and save it for Popcorn Polly. Within two minutes, she drifted toward the bowl and grabbed a handful and crammed it in her mouth. I thought of the people who had left that bowl of bacteria and shuddered with disgust and amusement. By now, everyone on the floor knew that the contaminated popcorn was being eaten by by Bacteria Betty. We all watched as she returned to the sidestand every three seconds for more of the tasty snack. Within minutes, the bowl was empty.

Was it mean? Yes. Yes, it was. Did it hurt her? No. No it didn't. Did it make my day? Ab-s0-fucking-lute-ly.

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