No Money For a Tip? Then Stay at Home

It's been said hundreds of times before but I guess it needs to be said once again. If you don't have enough money to leave a tip when you go out, please do not go out. Yes, waiting tables is very fulfilling on many different levels, but tips are still needed. The picture you see is what someone left in lieu of a tip last night. It is not from someone named Erin as it appears, but a message to my fellow server, Erin. Not only was the customer broke, he also does not know what commas are for. Or maybe he thought a comma would cost extra. Seeing that Erin and I pool our tips, half of that no tip was mine. Let's see. If his bill was $30 and he left no tip, fifty percent of it is mine. Fifty percent of nothing is... nothing. But thankfully, he left this delightfully apologetic note for us to split instead. Erin simply tossed it into the trash, but I reached in and pulled that bitch out because not only did I want to scan it for this blog post, I want to try to deposit it into the bank today and see how it goes.

The broke guy was nice enough, as poor people often are. When he first paid the bill, he gave me $11.00 and told me to put the balance on his raggedy ass credit card. I gave the card to Erin who swiped it only to see it get declined. He then coughed up a twenty dollar bill to cover the rest of the check. Broke Guy, listen to me: if you can't afford to tip, don't go out. And if you insist on going out, don't order $9.00 Amstel Lights. Maybe you should order the less expensive bottled water instead so you can throw me and Erin a couple of bucks rather than passing us this pathetic note instead.

So I am now on my way to the bank with the note and I'll just try to deposit it as six dollars since that is what the tip should have been. If the bank won't take it, I will then go to the grocery store and try it there. If they won't accept it, I will just put it in my wallet and wait until the next time I see the crazy lady on the 7 train who plays the recorder and asks for donations. Surely she can appreciate the note.

Let's review: tips should be money. They should not be thank-you notes, candy, scripture verses on the back of what appears to be a dollar, phone numbers, panties, coupons or a sweet little note explaining to me that you're broke. None of those things help me pay my bills. Even pennies are worth shit today, so keep 'em. If I see the guy again, when he orders his Amstels I'm going to hand him a note that says: Sorry I'm tired Broke Guy.

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