Move. Move. Moooooove!

I grew up in the country and often saw cows walking down the road with blatant disregard for the cars that were trying to pass them. One morning on my way to school, we had a cow that got in front of the school bus and began walking at a snail's pace. Our bus driver Lorraine was losin' it and even though we were in a three-ton bright yellow school bus, the cow didn't give a shit and meandered down the road never moving out of the way. Lorraine was laying on the horn and screaming out the window and the cow turned around and threw her a look that said "go fuck yourself, I'm busy chewin' cud." Of course the bus driver was the only one who gave a shit that we were going to be late to school. I was in the tenth grade (eight years ago) and knew that if I was late because of the bus it was an automatic excused tardy. Take your time, cow. The other night at work was like that. I swear to god I wanted an electrical cattle prod to jam up the sphincters of the people who would not get the hell out of my way. I felt just like Lorraine the bus driver only I had teeth and didn't wear a wig.

The show I was cocktailing for had about 70 people in the audience and after it was over about 68 of them thought it was a good idea to stand up, get in the aisle and stay there. No amount of "excuse me's" and "pardon me's" did anything. These people were like fucking statues. Where was a giant pigeon when I needed one so it could swoop in and shit all over their heads? Throughout the performance, they were in my way too. I only have a narrow little space to maneuver thorough in the dark while carrying a tray with martinis on it. You would think that people would understand that by pushing their chair away from the table, my narrow space becomes even narrower. I must have tripped over one lady's chair about ten times. And at least one of them was for real. The other nine were me just kicking it so she would think, "Oh, I must be in this fine young man's way" and then scoot her chair in. She never got it. (But then she gave me $40 on a $21 bill so I didn't mind. I send out an internet apology for all the intentional kicks, lady at table 28X.)

The point is, too many people are unaware of their spatial relationship to their waiter and I need them to move, move, move right outta my life. I even made a fucking video about it.





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