The Job Hunt Resumes

I am on the prowl for a new job. Catering season is upon us and I want a piece of that pie so I have been submitting my resume to catering companies up and down the eastern seaboard. And when I say "eastern seaboard" I mean three places that some friends told me about. I also went to one restaurant that was having an open call for interviews. I showed up with about 1000 other hopefuls and got one of those fucking corporate applications that takes half an hour to fill out. Why the fuck do I bother printing a resume if I have to fill that shit out? I knew I didn't want to work there, but went through the motions anyway. It had essay questions. Really, B.R. Guest restaurant conglomerate? Really? No one answers those questions the way they want to. They answer them the way you want us to.

What does "hospitality" mean to you?

What I said: Efficiency, friendliness, professionalism, going beyond the guests expectations.

The truth: Kissing customer asses to get better tips and kissing manager asses to get better shifts.

What is your favorite thing about working in the food and beverage industry?

What I said: The flexibility, the people I work with and the immediate gratification of good service rewarded with a good tip.

The truth: Knowing that restaurant jobs are a dime a dozen and if something pisses me off I can say fuck you and leave. I also like stealing food and liquor.

What is your least favorite thing about the food and beverage industry?

What I said: The inconsistency of income and schedule.

The truth: Customers, managers and co-workers.

What are your goals in the restaurant industry?

What I said: To find a place that I enjoy working at and possibly move into a managerial position.

The truth: To stay at this restaurant through the holidays and make a shit load of money since you are down the street from Radio City Music Hall and tourists will be pouring in the door after they see that God awful Christmas Spectacular.

I was called over to the table for an interview. For availability I had put Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The manager said she would hire me in a heartbeat with all my experience, but my schedule wasn't open enough. I explained to her that I had another job that I didn't want to leave because it was a good place to work. She told me that since they were opening a new restaurant, they required everyone to have complete availability for the first two months. In other words, they don't want to have to take into consideration that some of their employees may have a fucking life outside of Bill's Fucking Burger Bar. "I understand," said I. "Good luck with that then." I got up and left.

I'll keep looking. Something will turn up, it always does. I can sense it in the air. (That's your cue, Laurence.)