The Dark Esquire - LEXICONS

This week sees the release of The Dark Esquire's Lexicons.

Featuring the single version, plus an instrumental dub edit and remixes from Italians Do It Betters PREMIER RANG and Detachments its available only from Junodownload.

http://www.junodownload.com/products/lexicons/1612503-02/

We've still got a few copies of Situation available from the Thisisnotanexit store so if you have't got one go get as its the only way to get the 12" version of Situation and the CFCF and Crimea X Remixes.

http://thisisnotanexitrecords.bigcartel.com/product/the-dark-esquire-situation-12

The Dark Esquire website is coming soon....

Simon A. Carr Slutty Fringe Set 7.8.10

Simon A. Carr Slutty Fringe Set @ The Big Chill House 7th August 2010

Palms - Boundary Waters (Gavin Russom Remix)
Public Image Limited - Flowers Of Romance
Public Image Limited - Flowers Of Romance (Instrumental)
Michael Moorcock - Time Center
Detachments - The Flowers That Fell (The Niallist's Coldmixx)
Medio Mutante - Another Land
Six Sed Red - Shake It Right
Das Ding - Inter Cesters
Pink And Black - Sometimes I Feel
The Flying Lizards - Money
Modern Art - Still Life
Kristal - Love & Magic (Dub)
R3mote - Lonesome Frontier
The Shortwave Mystery - Without Cause
Dakar & Grinser - I Wanna Be Your Dog
Depeche Mode - Nodisco
The Bridge - Love Dance (Industrial Mix)
OMD - Messages (GW Ruff Edit)
New Order - The Beach

Am I Famous Yet?

Since I am currently a full-time actor (for one more day) and I was recognized the other day while buying ice cream on Main Street, I thought I would rehash an old post about celebrities. You know, since one sixteen year old girl asked me if I was in "that play" I am a total celeb (in my delusional mind).

I hate waiting on celebrities. I haven't had to do it very often because famous people don't usually come into the places that I sling hash. Generally, they like to go to places that are not chains, franchises and/or crappy and I usually work at places that are chains, franchises and/or crappy. If a famous person comes into a place I work, then I instantly question their judgement and credibility. Once when I worked in Times Square at the Houlihan's a soap opera actor came into my station. It was the old guy who played Palmer Cortlandt on All My Children. I think he's still on it. Anyhoo, he sat in my station with this really hot Latin guy who was about 100 years his junior. Palmer looked like he just came off the set of the soap because he was wearing a freaking ascot around his neck. The young guy was all flirty with him and and then Palmer paid for their lunch on his credit card. I ain't judging or anything, but can you say "sugar daddy"? He was really nice though and it was exciting to see someone from one of my stories. Several months ago Ivanka Trump came into VYNL where I was working at the time. Obviously, she was slumming or she wanted to see how poor people live because she came in to have an $8.99 omelet. I didn't wait on her. My friend did though and said she was alright, but only left a 15% tip. C'mon! Bitch, we know you have hundred dollars bills flying out of your ass and you're only going to leave four bucks? Bump it up to 20% and share the wealth.

Another person I know said she served the Grandma from Everybody Loves Raymond once. She seems like such a sweet old lady. Doris Roberts her name is. Apparently though, she's a dried out vagina lip. This colleague told me she ordered a two-minute egg. And sent it back five times. Five times. After the first time, don't you think the chef (fry cook) would actually time it to make sure it was really two minutes? And then a third time? And fourth time? And a fifth? Get real, lady. You ain't the Queen of England. Maybe the egg just didn't taste right to her because her taste buds arenow fossils. Or maybe she secretly hated eggs because her last ovary fell out of her cooch back in the Roaring 20's. Whatever the reason, it's no excuse.

If I ever see a celebrity in my station, I don't want 'em. I have ignored Connie Chung and I will ignore any other famous person too. Famous people are just people who lucked out. If they sit in my station I will treat them just like the stroller mom or the old homeless lady who pays with coins: like crap.

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Bitchy Waiter Advice

Someone sent me a Facebook post asking for my advice about how to deal with a co-worker. That's right. Someone was looking at me as their own personal Dear Abby. My plan was to copy that post and respond to it here, but they removed it before I had a chance to extol my wisdom. So I shall paraphrase her quandary:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
First off, let me say how totally and completely amazing you are. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. Anyway, I need your help. My friend works with a woman who constantly steals tables from other people and no amount of reminding her what her station is seems to matter. I can't go to management with this problem because there basically is none at the restaurant. What do you think my friend should do?

Signed,
Worried Waitress

Dear Worried Waitress,
This girl that your friend works with sounds like a total bitch ass pain in the hoo ha. First off, I would take the matter to management. Even if she thinks the manager won't help, they are the ones to go to first. If they are so completely unhelpful, maybe another place to work is the answer. I would also go to the ghetto bitch and gently remind her that she is taking care of a table that are not hers. If that does not help, you have my permission to go passive aggressive on her ass.
This may not affect what tables she takes but it will make your friend feel a whole hell of a lot better. Get her cell phone number from the contact sheet. You then open up your handy dandy Word application and draw up a flier for an imaginary iPod that you are trying to sell for $50. Just explain that it's basically new but you got a new one for your birthday and want to get rid of the old one. Post the phone number of the table stealing whore on the flier. Then make sure that you say that she works odd hours so the only time to call is after midnight or before 8:00 AM. Make about a hundred fucking million of these fliers and head to your nearest college campus. Put these bitches up everywhere. I guarantee it will make her cell phone ring like crazy. I would also suggest that they text her so that she may go over her minimum texts for the month and have to start paying for them. Just to make sure that it's working, go to a pay phone (not a number you want traced) and call the number to ask about the great deal on the iPod. If she responds with "Stop calling me!! It's a wrong number!! Stop fucking calling me!! STOP!!!" then you know your work is done. Not that I have ever done this. Why, that would be mean and bitchy and horribly unlike me. Uh huh. Sure. Good luck.



Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter



Do you have a problem that only The Bitchy Waiter can help you solve? Feel free to email me at sideofmustard@gmail.com for the best advice you will ever get from anyone in the whole entire world.

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CLAN OF XYMOX

Tomorrow evening I'll be warming up for the Detachments live show at The Big Chill House with a bunch of post punk and minimal wave records. I packed this track last night when I was sorting through some records. I've been loving it all week after rediscovering it on the Creatures Of The Night Optimo podcast. Optimo have basically taken a scalpel to the A Day Remix - taken out the gothic overtones - and ramped up the screeching best bit. An example of what re-editing can achieve! This is most certainly in the bag for tomorrow night for when the dancefloor gets going.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/1xjvsb

You can get it on this LP as you shouldn't DJ out with 160kps MP3's.

http://www.discogs.com/Betty-Botox-Betty-Botox-Presents-G4-Faggot/release/679063

Bitchy Waiter + Marcia Brady = LOVE

Today is August 5 and a day that we should all brush our hair a hundred strokes before bedtime, practice our cheer leading skills and guard our noses from flying footballs because today is the birthday of Marcia Brady herself, Maureen McCormick. In honor of this special day I want to imagine what it would have been like for Marcia and The Bitchy Waiter to work together at Mr. Haskell's ice cream hut. We know that she worked there very briefly until that bitch Jan came in and stole her job away from her, but what if... Behold, a page from Marcia's diary:

Dear Diary,
Today at work was totally groovy. I absolutely love working for Mr. Haskell at the ice cream hut. I'm not supposed to eat any ice cream without paying for it but sometimes I can't resist a tiny taste of the Rocky Road! I'd better watch how much I eat though because I don't want to get fat like that cow of a sister of mine, Jan. She's so jealous of me. Anyway, today was much better than yesterday when my old boyfriend Doug came in and I poured a hot fudge sundae on his head. I don't care about Doug anymore. Today a new boy started working with me and he is totally dreamy. He has the cutest dimples and the curliest hair in the whole wide world. When I see him, I feel like I'm dancing on a rainbow and The Monkeees are playing "Daydream Believer" in my heart. When he first showed up for work, the first thing I did was run to the bathroom to apply a new coat of Precious Pouty Pink lip gloss and then I practiced my smile in the mirror. Too bad I was wearing my uniform of ugly blue pants today! Why couldn't he first see me in my terrific plaid mini skirt with my favorite ruffle shirt? Oh well. I went out and introduced myself to him. He said "hey" and I practically melted faster than the ice cream does when Mr. Haskell won't turn on the air conditioning. He seems like a great worker but I did notice that every time Mr. Haskell went to his office the first thing he did was eat a scoop of ice cream and make a call on the pay phone. He wouldn't tell me his name either, but I think it just adds to his mysteriousness. He told me to call him Bitchy Waiter. Sigh. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter. Mrs. Marcia Bitchy Waiter! I think I love him! He must be really shy because he never responded to any of my best moves. I tossed my hair, I giggled, I asked for help carrying a heavy box and I even asked him if he would walk me home from school one day but nothing seems to be working. At least I know he doesn't like Jan either because she came into to look at the schedule and all he did when he saw her was compliment her shoes. (Which used to be mine because Jan is the middle child and all she gets are hand me downs. Oh Jan. Poor Jan.) Towards the end of the shift, Greg came in to buy some ice cream for Alice to serve as dessert. At first, I thought Bitchy Waiter must know Greg because as soon as he came in, he went right up to him and told him hello. Bitchy Waiter couldn't stop staring at Greg the whole time he was there. He must have been admiring Greg's letter jacket or something. After Greg left Bitchy Waiter asked me all these questions about him and wanted to know if he had a girlfriend and what his hobbies were and what size shoe he wore. Finally, he was talking to me!! He does like me! I invited him over for dinner tonight since Alice was making her world famous meatloaf. At first he said he couldn't make it but then he asked if Greg would be there. Once I told him I was sure he would be, he decided to come! He asked me to call him if I find out that Greg won't be there though. Oh, Dear Diary, I think I am in love. He should be here for dinner any minute. I will keep you posted. (And Cindy, if you are reading this, stop it!)

Love,
Marcia

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Bitter, Party of One? Your Table is Ready

Within a few short days, I will be back to waiting tables. As I typed that just now, a tear fell onto my keyboard and I heard a one-eyed waitress laughing at me from far far away. For the past few weeks I have been okay with feeling like and actor and then being on vacation and not having any waiter nightmare sweats. But by this time next week, I will be ironing my uniform and practicing my fake smile. I need to sprinkle some Pristiq on my Cheerios and take an extra heaping helping dose of Paxil in order to fight a severe case of the sads... Here are a few things I am not looking forward to:

• carrying ice that is not part of my cocktail



• eating hummus while squatting behind the bar so no one see me



• having to ask if Pepsi is alright when someone orders a Coke



• scraping wax from a table because a lady thought her ass was small enough to squeeze into a booth but it wasn't and she knocked over a candle



• trying to remember what a regular orders because I don't even recall that shit when I don't have 9 weeks off



• trying to remember what my number is to log into the computer. (seriously, Tom...what is it?)



• standing in front of a computer that has no internet access or porn because it is only good for placing drink orders



• serving cocktails while other people are performing and trying to remember that the applause is not for me



• saying I am a waiter



• explaining where I have been over and over again to people who don't really care, they just want their fucking drink



• wearing long sleeved shirts



• wearing long pants



• wearing socks

There are a few things I am looking forward to:

• my after shift cocktail



• seeing my co-workers



• my after shift cocktail



• tips and cash in my pocket



• my after shift cocktail



• being home again



• my after shift cocktail



• having new stories to bitch about on this fucking blog



• my after shift cocktail

Can you think of anything else that will make me feel better about slapping the apron back on? Please help me. I am trying really hard to not be all dpressed and shit.