Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am an 18 year old girl who is just starting college and am thinking about getting a part time job as a waitress. All my friends tell me that this is a bad idea because restaurant employees, especially servers are a bunch of cigarette smoking, booze swilling, drug addicts. Is this true? The waitress in my home town in Idaho, is a very sweet lady. My friends also say that if I start working at a restaurant, I'll turn into a crack addicted tramp. Is that true as well?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I feel it is my duty to let you know that your friends are 99% correct about restaurant employees. Most of them are exactly as they have described with the exception of myself and the sweet waitress you know from Idaho. We are both wonderful and caring people who avoid cigarettes, drugs and booze at all costs much unlike everyone else in the restaurant industry. (Occasionally, I may fall off the wagon and have a cocktail or two.) Your hometown waitress was a total meth head for many years, but she kicked the habit and now her only addiction is Diet Coke. She is constantly at the soda gun feeding her cravings by drinking straight from the tap. It's not pretty, but it's better than meth. Sort of. Anyhoo, if you decide to get a job as a waitress, be ready to eat a big slice of I-Told-You-So pie from your friends because you will most definitely become a crack addicted tramp.

So what should you do to earn money that will not lead you down the path of evil? Well, it has to be something with flexible hours so that you can continue your education. And it has to be something where you can make good money in a relatively short period of time so you have time for your homework. And it has to be something that will not make you smell like fajitas. I would suggest prostitute. As a young woman, men will be willing to pay a pretty penny for your time and you can be certain that your "johns" will treat you with way more respect than they would if you were a lowly waitress. And as a bonus, you can make your own hours, be your own boss and not pay taxes. It's a win win! Confused, I know you can do this if you set your mind to it. Good luck! (By the way, I hear that Craigslist has removed their "adult services" sections so I would suggest "casual encounters.")

Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter

Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I saw your comment about overpriced dishes at various NYC restaurants and how you'd like to work at one (because of that). What does it take to get a job as a waiter at one of the really high-class, expensive NYC eateries? One would assume, as well, that with high prices, tips would be better or are they, in actuality? Do tell, plz!

signed,
Curious

Dear Curious:

There are many ways to finagle your ass into a high priced eatery as a server. Of course the best way is to be an impeccable professional with amazing experience and a detailed resume showing it off. However, if you are someone like me who has always worked in low budget, chain, diner crap restaurants, then your best bet is to lie your ass off and hope for the best. Many people ask me how to get a waiting job in New York City when so many places require New York City experience. It's a goddamn catch fucking 22. You need the experience but can't get hired to gain the experience. I often recommend lying in that case as well. When I moved to New York City back in the late 1960's, I had several years of waiting experience under my apron but no one would hire me because I had never done it in New Your City, as if carrying a tray in one state is any different than carrying it in another. So I lied. I added a non-existent restaurant onto my resumé with just a few months of experience on it. In NYC, restaurants come and go so it is no surprise to say that you worked somewhere that is now closed. Just look for a restaurant that recently opened and chances are it was another restaurant a few weeks before. Say you worked there until it closed. If they try to call the place to verify your job history, the number will either be disconnected or the new restaurant will say that the old one closed collaborating your employment dates that you put on your resumé . End of story.

Getting into a fine dining place is a bit harder, but can be done. Simply wait until the restaurant is getting its linen delivery of tablecloths and napkins. When you see the big rolling cart of linens going into the back of the house, all you have to do is climb into it and hide yourself beneath the napkins. Once inside, put on your apron, scope out a section you like and go for it. (Warning: this may not work every time. It is possible you could be arrested for trespassing but it is not a big deal and they usually drop the charges. Usually.)

Good luck with your job search!

Signed,

The Bitchy Waiter


Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

Have you ever had a bus person or server steal your tips? What should I do?

Signed, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
First, let me thank you for writing in. I only wish you had used your real name because whenever someone uses "anonymous" I think its one of those hater bitches who are always trying to bring me down. And now to your question. Yes, I have had people steal my tips and I blamed it on the bus boy. Those sorry ass mother fuckers always lift the money off the table to wipe it and then when they put the money back down, they keep a dollar or maybe just the spare change. Of course, it's hard to prove, but if you have an idea who is doing it, then you need to catch them red handed so you can report it to your manager and get their thieving ass fired. But how to catch them? There are many ways, but I recommend the following: go to your local Spy Store where you can buy something like a Nanny Cam. Get a high quality one that costs at least or four or five hundred dollars because you want the video to be crystal clear when you upload that shit to You Tube. Install the camera in a light fixture directly over a table in your station. This can be done by accessing the electrical wiring by going into the ceiling. While up in the ceiling, be aware of fiberglass insulation. You certainly don't want to get it on you. It may be best to wear a full body suit that electricians wear and you can pick one of those up at your local Home Depot for not more than seventy-five dollars. Once the camera has been installed, it is time to set your trap. Consciously leave your tips on the table for longer than you normally would so that the greedy thief has plenty of opportunity to steal it. Once you feel that you have caught what you want on camera, simply go back into the ceiling to remove the camera, transfer the tape on to DVD and edit it by using a simple home editing program like iMovie. I recommend you add titles, transitions and music to make the recording as enjoyable as possible. You may find it helpful to take a class at the Learning Annex to learn more about editing. Upon completion, present the DVD to your manager. Make sure you have labeled the DVD and created a jewel case cover for it (use Avery label templates) so that your manager knows exactly what he or she will be watching. After the theft has been clearly seen on video surveillance, it will be a very simple procedure to fire this bitch on the spot. Follow these simple steps and your problem will be solved!

If you feel that this is too complicated and you simply want revenge, slash that bitches tires or use the old iPod flier routine. Good luck!

signed,
the Bitchy Waiter


Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? You can email me here and I will answer one question a week!

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I need your advice. I have just left my usual spot after receiving half-ass drinks all night from the bartender with the lovely face and ample bosom. After asking to cash out she proceeded to wait on many male patrons and when she finally returned to me with my card and receipt she popped attitude. Should I have clotheslined her like I wanted to?

~Donda

Dear Donda,
I can see how tempting it would have been to wait for this bartender's shift to end, follow her home in order to learn her address and then head over to 7-11 for a carton of eggs to pelt her house with. Very tempting indeed. I do not recommend ever doing this no matter how much fun it would be and how many wonderful memories you would have for the rest of your life. (And on a side note, an open apology to Mrs. Deheul, my 12th grade drama teacher: I'm sorry I pelted your house with eggs even though it was really fun and I am still carrying around those memories from that magical evening.) Donda, you should just let this girl be. We all know she was spending all her attention on the men folk because her big titties were going to help her get bigger tips. Can't says I blame her. I guess she didn't feel like it was worth it to pay attention to you even though there was a hefty Double D tip in it for her. What goes around comes around. Just last week I ate dinner at a bar and the hot young (male) bartender kept ignoring me as he poured attention on all the single ladies. Fine, whatever. But when he gave me my check, the dumbass had forgotten to ring in all four of my cocktails. They were $11.50 each. He fucked up because he was too busy with the hos he thought would tip him more. Did I tell him? Nope. It's happened to all of us. I left him a 30% tip on what he did charge me but it could have been so much more. Never fear. The bartender that dissed you will have her chance at getting dissed in return.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Bitchy Waiter Advice

Someone sent me a Facebook post asking for my advice about how to deal with a co-worker. That's right. Someone was looking at me as their own personal Dear Abby. My plan was to copy that post and respond to it here, but they removed it before I had a chance to extol my wisdom. So I shall paraphrase her quandary:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
First off, let me say how totally and completely amazing you are. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. Anyway, I need your help. My friend works with a woman who constantly steals tables from other people and no amount of reminding her what her station is seems to matter. I can't go to management with this problem because there basically is none at the restaurant. What do you think my friend should do?

Signed,
Worried Waitress

Dear Worried Waitress,
This girl that your friend works with sounds like a total bitch ass pain in the hoo ha. First off, I would take the matter to management. Even if she thinks the manager won't help, they are the ones to go to first. If they are so completely unhelpful, maybe another place to work is the answer. I would also go to the ghetto bitch and gently remind her that she is taking care of a table that are not hers. If that does not help, you have my permission to go passive aggressive on her ass.
This may not affect what tables she takes but it will make your friend feel a whole hell of a lot better. Get her cell phone number from the contact sheet. You then open up your handy dandy Word application and draw up a flier for an imaginary iPod that you are trying to sell for $50. Just explain that it's basically new but you got a new one for your birthday and want to get rid of the old one. Post the phone number of the table stealing whore on the flier. Then make sure that you say that she works odd hours so the only time to call is after midnight or before 8:00 AM. Make about a hundred fucking million of these fliers and head to your nearest college campus. Put these bitches up everywhere. I guarantee it will make her cell phone ring like crazy. I would also suggest that they text her so that she may go over her minimum texts for the month and have to start paying for them. Just to make sure that it's working, go to a pay phone (not a number you want traced) and call the number to ask about the great deal on the iPod. If she responds with "Stop calling me!! It's a wrong number!! Stop fucking calling me!! STOP!!!" then you know your work is done. Not that I have ever done this. Why, that would be mean and bitchy and horribly unlike me. Uh huh. Sure. Good luck.



Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter



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