Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy. I dug into the mailbag and found this question that perhaps I can shed some light on. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or email me to say hello. That's nice too.



Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I need your advice. I work at a bar and grill and for whatever reason people constantly ignore the HUGE "please wait to be seated" sign and mosey on in and seat themselves. I have tried very hard to be nice when it does happen but it has become a daily occurrence and I just can't take it anymore! What would you do?


signed,
Alicia

Dear Alicia,

Oh this problem again, with those stupid buckets of Thousand Island Dressing that we call customers. No matter how HUGE the sign is, they will not read it. They will ignore it the same way they ignore menus, their children and my crushed dreams. I once worked a restaurant with a patio which had a HUGE sign that said, "Please see the hostess if you would like to sit outside." People constantly sat directly under the sign paying no mind to it. Even if the sign had been lit up with neon and sparklers and had photos of naked men and women on it, they would ignore it. It's their way.

What can we do? Here is what I suggest: when someone sits down at a table without being seated there by a hostess, ignore the fuck out of them just like they ignored the fuck out of your sign. I have done this many times and it's very satisfying. When I see someone sit down without the proper protocol, I walk past them continuously until they practically have to pull their arm out of its socket in order to wave at me hard enough to get my attention. They will usually say something all Bucket of Thousand Island Dressing-ish like, "Uh, excuse me, but we don't have menus." My reply is then, "Oh, that's odd. I don't know why the hostess didn't give you one when she sat you. I apologize for her behavior, she does this all the time. It may be time to mention it to the manager so they can get someone in here who knows how to do her job. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I hope she has her resumé up to date because it looks like tonight may be her last night." And then Thousand Island Family is all, "Oh, well, we sat ourselves...we don't want her to get fired...uh, we're sorry, we're dumb." Then they feel stupid and like shit and it makes me feel better.

Or maybe after sitting there for ten minutes, they'll say to me, "Uh, is someone going to take our order??" And then I can reply, "I thought this was so-and-so's table, have you been waiting long?" And then they will say, Uh, yeah, for like thirty minutes." And then I say, "He must not realize you are here. Did a hostess seat you or did you seat yourself, because that would make all the difference in the world." And then they mumble, "Oh, well, we sat ourselves here..." And then I say, "A-ha! Now we know why no one came to take your order. It's because you sat yourselves. You should always wait to be seated by the hostess so these things don't happen."

Basically, there is no way around stupid people ignoring signs and seating themselves so all we can do is try to embarrass them enough so that the next time they will do it correctly. It is highly unlikely that embarrassing them will teach them anything at all, but from our point of view it is immensely satisfying. Try it. You'll love it.

(Anonymous, this is your cue to tell me that "the customer is always right" and that I should be ashamed of myself for trying to embarrass a guest just to prove a point. But here's the thing, Anonymous: I don't care.)

Love,
BW

Please email me here if you have a question for me. I love to help people. It's in my blood. Also in my blood is a very alcohol content.


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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy. I dug into the mailbag and found this question that perhaps I can shed some light on. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or you can just say hello. That's nice too.



Dear Bitchy Waiter,

Not too long ago I arranged for a dinner at a local restaurant because my brother and his fiancee were moving to California. It was very small and just a group of friends, no family. Two of our good friends are sisters and they brought a friend (table of 6 now). When our friends arrived they ordered drinks and were carded. They made a big ordeal, and it was their fault. They left their IDs at home. It was very embarrassing to the other people at the table. They kept on and on, and were verbally harassing the waiter and manager (who both spoke little English). I love hanging out with them, but they act like crap sometimes. One is also positive that if a restaurant expected her to provide the server with a "tip" than they should have put it in the price of the plate.

Help! How can I eat with my friends who are tacky non-tippers.

PS- The evening the 6 of us were eating, I picked up the tab and tipped got the hell out of there. Oddly, they all stayed and just ordered at the bar of the restaurant the rest of the night.



signed,

Rachel



Dear Rachel,

First off, let me applaud you for letting these two sister friends remain a part of your life because clearly they are annoying, needy, cheap and totally lame-o. I want to know why the two of them thought it was alright to bring along a friend of theirs to this farewell dinner for your brother. Did this third wheel know your brother or did she just sniff out a free meal and tagged along because she was tired of eating Alpo and Top Ramen in her efficiency basement apartment? I vote for the latter. Your two friends shouldn't have brought her along. That is the first thing wrong with the situation, but they did so what can you do? And then they complained that they were carded and they didn't have their ID's? Super annoying, but don't be embarrassed. The server wasn't annoyed with you, trust me. As for the sister who thinks a tip should be added to the price of the food, I call bullshit. She would be the first one to complain that her corn dog platter with tater tots cost too much money. That's just an excuse she uses to justify her evil penny-pinching, cheap-ass-whore ways.



The solution is simple. Do not eat out with these people ever again unless you are comfortable dining at Burger King, White Castle, Wendy's, Taco Bell or KFC. If you love hanging out with them in certain situations, do it only then. I assume you are referring to the times you go to the discount movie theater or the Dollar Store, right? Or maybe the BOGO sale at Payless? And I bet they always want you to drive because they don't want to use their gas and when you go to their house they never turn on the A/C because it's "bad for the environment" which is code for "I'm too cheap to pay the electricity bill." It shouldn't be too hard to exclude them from dining out with you. The next time you see them at their weekly garage sale or bi-monthly Tupperware party and they ask why it's been so long since you've all gone to dinner together, you can say this: "I've just been trying to eat at home more often in order to save a little money. Surely your cheap ass can understand that, right, bitch?" No harm done.



On behalf of your server that night, thank you for picking up the tab. If those tight skanks sat at the bar for the rest of the night and didn't tip, I'm sure they will not be welcomed the next time they drag their carcasses in. By the way, if they didn't have their ID's, how did they manage to get served? Lemme guess...blow jobs, right?



Love,

The Bitchy Waiter







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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Weeks and weeks have passed since I have taken the time to answer a question and today is the day. Since it's about margaritas, it seemed absolutely necessary. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or you can just say hello. That's nice too.


Dear Bitchy Waiter,
Help me out here! I served a pretentious customer a strawberry margarita today and she argued on and on about the salted rim. She insisted that it's supposed to be a sugared rim instead b/c there is strawberry in it. My defence is that it's a MARGARITA despite what flavour, it gets salt! Am I wrong?

Signed,
Sara M.

Dear Sara,
I am assuming by your fancy spelling of "flavour" and "defence" that you must be from across the pond. If so, I thought you only drank ales over there in Jolly Old England. I have never been there but now that I know I can get a margarita, I may have to add the United Kingdom to my travel itinerary. In answer to your question, I concur with you. I like salt on a margarita no matter what the flavour. I have had a sugar rim a few times (is it just me or does that sound dirty?) but I always miss the salt. I think even with a sweet margarita, the salted rim is better. It gives it that sweet and salty combo that we all love so much, like chocolate covered pretzels or caramel popcorn or bacon dipped in Nutella. I hope the lady who wanted a sugar rim was not too disappointed with her saline substitute. I'm sorry, but I can't get my mind out of the gutter about a "sugar rim." I have this vision of Willy Wonka getting a taste of Oompa Loompa ass next to a chocolate waterfall. Meanwhile Augustus Gloop is passed out on a candy toadstool two feet away oblivious to the anal dining because he is in candy coma after just eating a truckload of Wonka Bars. Come to think of it, are we sure that you didn't serve Veruca Salt? I mean, after all she is British and she wants what she wants when she wants it.


I can totally imagine Veruca Salt all grown up and sitting in your station. She sashays into the restaurant with her red dress with a neat row of black buttons and orders.

Veruca: I want a margarita. I want a feast. I want a party. Pink macaroons and a million balloons and performing baboons and give it to me. I want a sugar rim, Sara and I want it now. I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now!

When Sara shows up with a margarita with a salted rim, Veruca loses it and trashes the whole restaurant. A bouncer named Charlie Bucket escorts her out but on the way back to her limo she keys Sara's car with the words "Suck my golden goose egg, bitch!"and is arrested. She ends up as the top story on the nightly news where newscaster, Mike Teavee says he always thought she was kind of a bitch. Veruca's old friend Violet Beauregarde remained in the restaurant and got drunk on blueberry vodka and lemonade until they had to roll her ass out of there.

So, Sara. I say just always use salt.

Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

This is what showed up in my inbox this week so I will take a moment to answer this in all seriousness. I think this email deserves a real response. It can be handy for anyone who may be visiting The Big Apple sometime soon.



Dear Bitchy Waiter,


I started following you about a month ago on Facebook and enjoy your postings. Wondered if you could make some dining recommendations for NYC? That's probably a loaded question, but we are looking for some good middle of the road places for lunch and then a couple really good places for dinner. We don't have to go to any see and be seen places. Any thoughts would be great.

-Steve

Dear Steve,

As of 4/1/10, New York City is home to 23,499 active restaurants according to nycgo.com. That is a lot to choose from. Lucky for you, I have either eaten at or worked at a most of those, give or take 23,000 or so. I am going to just offer up some of my favorite places to eat and then you can take it from there.

• If you want to try my newest guilty pleasure and venture to an outer borough, try Salt and Fat in Sunnyside Queens. Easily accessible by the 7 train from Times Square and who can resist a restaurant that serves popcorn popped in bacon fat?
• For a delicious and cheap slice of pizza, my all time favorite pizza in New York City is Two Boots. They have multiple locations from Ninth Avenue and 44th Street to the Lower East Side. Thin cornmeal crust and totally unique pies.
• For affordable comfort food try Chat and Chew near Union Square. Yummy mac and cheese.
• Also in Union Square is Blue Water Grill. Pricey, so be prepared. Wonderful seafood and I think it's all sustainable and organic if that is important to you.
• For a wonderful burger, go to Five Napkin Burger. There are two in Manhattan; one on the Upper West Side and the other is in Hell's Kitchen and right near Two Boots! The burgers are all grass-fed and organic and I love them. Delicious cocktails too.
• For a lunch burger and if you're on the go, stop at Shake Shack.
• If you're up for a trip to Brooklyn, you will love Buttermilk Channel. Amazing fried chicken and cheddar waffles and totally worth the trip to lovely Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn.
• I love Basilica Italian restaurant. It's tiny, quaint, charming and affordable. On Ninth Avenue and 46th St. Homemade and delicious.
• For Mexican food I have two favorites. One is the pricey Rosa Mexicano. The pomegranate margaritas are to die for. The food is wonderful and it's not your typical enchilada combo place. For Tex Mex in a lively atmosphere, try Arriba, Arriba. Killer margaritas and cheesy gloopy deliciousness.
• For cheap breakfast or lunch, go to The Grey Dog.
• Another breakfast option is VYNL. Great for lunch too, but I love their happy hour the most. I used to work there. If you tell them The Bitchy Waiter sent you, they will either give you a hug or kick you in the balls.

I hope this helps. Have fun in New York City. I wish I could tell you where I work so I could have you in my station but alas. I am anonymous...

Best,
The Bitchy Waiter

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

I reached into the old mailbag and pulled out this letter from someone seeking my advice. I hope I can help this dear child. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or you can just say hello. That's nice too.


Dear Bitchy Waiter,

My friends and I recently turned eighteen, so now several of them (including myself) are considering applying to become waiters as a summer job. My friends think that the tips you earn as a waiter make it worth being one. Since I've read your blog for several months now, and you seem to be somewhat of an expert on the subject, I thought I'd ask you. I have learned many of the negatives to being a waiter from your entries. But I was wondering, is it worth it? Does the money make up for all the annoyances that come with being waitstaff? Have you ever had a non-food industry job (aside from acting)? I'm worried that I'd end up bitching out customers.
Sincerely,
I am Just a Poor Girl From a Poor Family
(Well, not really, but it sounded a little catchy. Sorry if you aren't a Queen fan)


Dear Poor Girl From a Poor Family,

Yes, there are a lot of negatives to being a server. Smelling like fajitas, having clothes that are covered in grease stains and dealing with rude customers are just a few of the pitfalls of waiting tables. However, it can definitely be worth it. I think a few months of waiting tables as an 18 year old would be a perfect option for you to fill your summer days. Yes, the hourly wage is hardly anything, but when you factor in your tips, it can be quite a profitable job. Just the other day, I worked for a total of nine hours and walked with $231. That comes out to an average of $25.67 an hour take home. Not too bad, right? If you get a job at The Gap and they paid you the minimum wage of $7.25 (here in NYC) you would only pull in $65.25 before taxes or maybe a net of about fifty bucks. Ouch. Of course, not all shifts average out to $25 an hour, but it's always better than minimum wage.

If you have no experience, it may be hard to step right into a waiting job. Chains like Applebee's and Outback Steakhouse are more willing to take someone with little or no experience because they have major training programs. Or sometimes you have to be a busser or host first to prove your worth to the manager and then maybe they will move you up to a server. (If the manager asks for sexual favors in exchange for a server position, I would recommend getting that in writing. Trust me, you don't want to get scabby knees from doing a "no-no" behind the dumpster of the Bennigan's in Humble, Texas and still be a busser. Don't ask me how I know this. The shame is far too great.)

I doubt that you will end up bitching out customers. No matter how annoying they can be, most of servers quickly learn to let it roll off our backs. It's not worth it. Always remember this: "it's just lunch and they will have another one every day for the rest of their lives." It keeps it in perspective. Internalize your rage and then go home and blog about like I do. It does wonders. Please keep me posted. I'd love to know how it goes for you.

In regards to your other question about my non-food industry jobs. I hope to write a book one day about the jobs I have had over the years: real estate agent, substitute teacher, theater reviewer, Pottery Barn whore, amusement park employee, ceramics sales rep, jewelry sales rep... God it's pathetic how many jobs I have had.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Email me here if you have a question.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

I get a lot of emails from people asking for advice regarding their restaurant related problems. I do my best to answer every single letter despite the vast number of them. (About three or four a week...) The following email arrived a few weeks ago and I don't know what to make of it.

You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or you can just say hello. That's nice too.



Dear Bitchy Waiter,

Hello My name is (name withheld) and I would like to order individual grilled chicken salad in your restaurant,for 150 people on 21st of march and pick up time is 3 pm and it's for my Dad's Birthday Party and it will be picked up by Private Shipper Agent and I am ready to pay the full payment with my credit card so can you make the order for me on that date while you get me the grand total of the foods inclusive of the tax fee,get back to me with the total cost,you can also get back to me.

Please advise.

Dear Name Withheld,

Let me advise. First of all, please learn what a period is because that run-on of a sentence gave me a freaking headache and I had to read it four times to understand your email and then I still didn't understand what you were asking me because I am not a restaurant, I am a blogger and run-on sentences are so bad that we should never ever use them unless it has a point like proving how annoying they are in the first place and stuff like that there and so on and so forth and etcetera. I see that your Dad's Birthday Party is in just a few days and it sounds like a real humdinger of a party if it's happening on a Monday at 3:00 in the afternoon. Seriously, how did you find 150 people who could go to a party on a Monday afternoon? Or maybe the pick-up time for the salads is at 3:00, but the party isn't until 8:00. If that is the case, you are going to have 150 limp and soggy ass salads to deal with that may be teeming with bacteria. But the salads won't come from me. You should probably look into ordering food from a restaurant or catering company rather than a waiter who writes a blog. I don't even know what city you are in, but I guess it doesn't matter since the order was going to be picked up by a Private Shipper Agent. Whatever that is. Although it is nice that you are ready to pay the full amount, including the 60% tip I would have added, I won't be able to help you. I hope your dad has the best Monday afternoon party in the history of Monday afternoon parties. Wherever you get your individual grilled chicken salads from, I hope they are delicious and perfect. Might I suggest Chick-Fil-A? Thanks for your inquiry.

-The Bitchy Waiter

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Let us look into the Bitchy Waiter inbox and see who could benefit from the wisdom amassed from my 38 years of waiting tables.

Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here . Or just email me to say hello. It makes me happy. Let's see what we find in the mailbag today:


Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I consider myself to be an ideal customer. I am polite, good tipper, not too picky. I have one pet peeve that will put a black cloud over my dining experience. I do not consider myself a slow eater but I absolutely hate it when I am enjoying the appetizer I ordered and then the salad comes 2 minutes later. Or if I am still eating my soup and the entree is brought out. Can they not see that I am obviously not ready for that food? I do get an attitude and I will ignore the new food on purpose and make sure they see me taking my time getting to it. I hesitate to send it back "until I'm ready" for fear I will piss them off. What is the best way to handle this situation?

Sign me,

Still eating

Dear Still Eating,

On behalf of all waiters please accept my heartfelt apology that they brought your food out too soon. Yes, that can be annoying I know. But the one thing that I find even more troubling in your letter is that you order an app and then follow it with a salad. Salad? After an app? I don't get it. Maybe a salad as an app or maybe a salad for an entree, but what kind of sick health nut are you that you require an app and a salad? Maybe it's my upbringing in Texas, but to me the salad is the thing that you have to eat as soon as possible so it is out of the way and you can then focus on the real food. Like mashed potatoes and chicken fried steak. But back to your problem. I think you should just say when you order that you want to make sure the first course is finished before the next one comes out. I don't imagine that any server is going to care that much and worst case scenario is that shit will sit under a heat lamp until you are ready for it. By accepting the food and then letting it sit there on your table as you take your time to get to it seems like it's only making things worse for yourself. Trust me. The waiter doesn't care if you are trying to prove a point by making sure he sees you ignoring the food. All he's thinking is, "Whatever. If you don't want it yet, just tell me to take it back to the kitchen and keep it warm." If you don't say anything, they aren't going to do anything. In the future, just order your app and entree and just tell them to not bring out the entree until you are ready for it. Or you could always hold off on your entree order until you are almost done with the app. That will work too.

Most importantly though, chill out on the salad. Eat some fried cheese sticks.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter

I need a break from discussing the new job so let us look into the Bitchy Waiter inbox and see who could benefit from the wisdom amassed from 45 years of waiting tables.

Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week. Or just email me to say hello. It makes me happy. Let's see what we find in the mailbag today:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I have been waiting tables for exactly two weeks. Recently I had someone give me a 50%+ tip on a lunch because he was wooing people who might give him a contract. He called me toward the back, gave me some instructions that would have been obvious otherwise ("Provide those business people with good service!"), and pressed a wad of cash into my hand. "You've given me far too much," I said. "I know," he replied while staring intensely into my eyes. "Well, thank you very much. I will make sure that your table's every need is taken care of." Which I would have done anyway.

So--aside from the fact that it's my job to do what he's just overpaid me to do, and aside from the fact that his requests were for nothing more than the industry standard--what might I do to help him feel that he's getting his tips worth, so he might come back again?

thanks,

bemused


Dear Bemused,

First off let me say how impressed I am with your enthusiasm to serve having only been waiting tables for a mere two weeks. Having someone give you such a generous gratuity so early in your career should signal to you that you have indeed chosen the right path for your life's work. Congratulations! So this man was trying to impress his clients and asked for your assistance by pressing a huge wad of cash in your hand. Surely you did all the things that exceeded his expectations, but there are always a few extra steps a server can take that will impress tables. For example, if someone leaves the table, always take their napkin and fold it into the shape of a swan so that when they return they see that you have been busy. Fresh cut flowers on a table are always nice too and if you don't have any available at your restaurant, they are easy to find these days at grocery stores, delis and even gas stations. Flowers say that you care. I also find that using a guest's name (you can look on the reservation book or on their credit card) always impresses them. Doesn't "Thank you Mr. Jones" sound so much better than plain old "Thank you?" Follow these steps to ensure great service.

There was one point in your letter that caught my attention. When you say the man stared intently into your eyes as he handed you the 50%+ tip, he may been implying something else as well. Oral sex. Now I am not sure if you are male or female, but either way, you should have simply looked into the man's eyes as intently as he looked into yours and said, "Sir, I am a professional. I take pride in my job as a server and I will do whatever I can to make your dining experience a good one. Meet me behind the garbage dumpster in 10 minutes and I will service you until the cows come home. Or until I get another table, whichever comes first." If you are a straight female or gay male, this should be an easy breezy piece of cake. If you are a gay female and the idea of oral sex on a man is insulting to you I say this: 50%+ tip. If you are a straight man, there is something called "gay for pay." Look into it.

Congratulations on your wonderful career choice as a food server. I hope you have many years of happy employment and way to score such a great tip!

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter

It's time for some heartfelt advice from The Bitchy Waiter. Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week. Or just email me to say hello. It makes me happy. Let's see what we find in the mailbag today:


Dear Bitchy Waiter,


I just recently turned 20 years old and my friends threw me a party. Of course there was alcohol there, but I didn't drink. I never do as I feel it is against my standards. For years my friends have always overindulged with alcohol, and I see how much fun they have when we party while I'm the odd one out. They make fun of me saying that I'm a goody two shoes and how I need to loosen up and have some fun, and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe they're right. I see commercials for things like Captain Jack, Smirnoff and every type beer you can think of on television. There are also numerous billboards and internet advertisements. Even you have professed your love for alcohol and all things apple martini. I know I'm not yet 21, but I feel like the influence of alcohol is all around me. Everyone else is doing it. Should I?

Sincerely,

Curious

Dear Curious,

Believe it or not, I say don't drink. First off, you're only 20 and it's illegal. Secondly, there is no hurry. If you don't want to drink, then don't drink. When I was in high school, I too was pressured to do a lot of things I never really wanted to do. People called me Goody Two Shoes but I held firm. Well, at least until the invention of the California Cooler and then I caved in. However, there are many things that I always have and always will say "no" to. On occasion, there are nights that I find myself without a martini glass firmly affixed to my hand and I still have a good time. Yes, I love my cocktails but not all the time. I have a friend who doesn't drink except for the occasional glass of wine with dinner. When the check comes, she always owes a fraction of what my alcoholic ass does, so at the very least you can always relish the fact that you won't go into the poorhouse to keep up with your friends. As for your friends, they will respect your decision to not drink. If they don't, then they are assholes and not really friends. Anyone who pressures you to drink, smoke, do drugs or shoplift are only doing it to justify their own behavior. Stand firm in what you believe. There are a lot of ads out there for alcohol but who cares? The only thing I see advertised more is cars and I don't even drive. Tune them out and order that Shirley Temple with pride. And rejoice that you only have to shell out two bucks for yours as opposed to the twelve bucks I have to come up with for my apple martini. Good luck


Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter

It's time for some heartfelt advice from The Bitchy Waiter. Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week. Or just email me to say hello. It makes me happy. Let's see what we find in the mailbag today:


Dear Bitchy Waiter,

First off, love the blog--I'm a pretty avid reader, and now whenever I type B into my address bar my computer automatically goes to you. Anyway, I'm a seventeen year old working in a childcare center, in a gym, down in Denver. My boss seemed like a pretty great person. Not so much now that I'm six months into my job. She's whiney and bossy (more than the usual boss), she's been late for the past month on paying us, and according to my friend, she just has this horrible ailment where she's eternally menstruating. In the past month shes fired five people from the gym and three more have quit. Should I be the fourth to put my two weeks in? Or should I just put up with it because it's a cushyass job? Or maybe the choice will be made for me and she'll just kick my child watching ass to the curb.

Hugs and kisses and apple martinis,

Fed Up and Fucked Over

Dear Fed up and Fucked Over,

First off, thank you for your kind words but I must respond to your apple martini comment. You are only 17 years old so you shouldn't even know what apple martinis are, child. Shame on you! Might I suggest some delicious 3.2% beer that I used to drink when I lived in The Mile High City? Anyhoo, yes. Your boss sounds like a horrible horrible person with no joy in her life. I don't know what illness she has that gives her continuous menstruation but whatever it is, she deserves it. This bleeding bitch hasn't paid you for a month and you still work there? No matter how cushyass the job is, it really doesn't matter if there is no paycheck. If you are looking for something to do that is cushy and you don't need to be paid for it, stay at home, stick a straw into a can of 3.2 Coors Light and watch Oprah. You are 17. Move on. Fuck it. That's what I would do. And two weeks notice? Why the fuck would you bother with that? If she hasn't paid you for a month, you owe this whore nothing. If she has fired five people and three others have quit in the last month, this place sounds like it's going down the tubes. Sounds like those darling kids will soon need another place to find some childcare. Go get a new job. And keep your fingers crossed that you get paid. I did a show (in Denver!) many years ago and was getting $175 a week. I was never paid for the last two weeks and I held out hope for that $350 for years and years. It never came. Trust me. Let it go. Get a new job and leave this bitch in the dust. (Don't be a waiter though. It sucks.)

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Thursday means it's time for some heartfelt advice from The Bitchy Waiter. Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week. Or just email me to say hello. It makes me happy. Let's see what we find in the mailbag today:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

First off, let me say that I am a huge fan. Your blog is very hilarious all the time and whatnot. But anyways I need to ask you something. I have this friend, and to put it mildly he is a complete jackass. He is always talking about how he wants to hang out with me, and spend time with me, and blah blah blah but on the rarity that we do hang out he is on his god damn i-phone the whole fucking time. I have seriously considered just chucking his phone at the wall, or into the toilet, or out a window...something that would cause it some harm, but I don't want to piss him off cause he can be a good friend...sometimes. Anyways, what would you do?

Signed,
Friend of a dumbshit.


Dear Friend of a Dumbshit,

Thank you for your kind words about the blog. Your friend sounds like he cares more about his i-Phone than his friendship with you. If you think he is a dumbshit and a jackass, then why do you want to bother trying to salvage the relationship? Okay, okay, so he can be a good friend some of the time, but don't you want people in your life who can be a good friend all of the time? That is a decision you will have to make. I do have a couple of suggestions though for the next time you spend time with this jackass dumbshit that might make things better for you.

Why don't you schedule a certain time to hang out with him-very specific, like Friday from 4:00 to 6:00. In the meantime go to the "casual encounters" section of your local craigslist and set up an ad for your friend. Make him sound like he's be really fun to get to know and then post his cell phone number on the ad but say they can only call on Friday between 4:00 and 6:00. That way, the next time you hang out together, he can still be on his i-Phone all the time just like normal, but you will get a kick out of it too. (Beware: I think this is totally illegal...) It's a win win situation.

Another thing you can do is simply tell him that if he really wants to hang out then you need him to take a fucking chill pill from the goddamn i-Phone. I know some people like that and it's fucking annoying. Your friend needs to hear it. This is probably the most mature way to handle things but personally, I go for the whole passive aggressive craigslist casual encounters prank. Immature? Yes. Funny as hell? Yes, indeed. Good luck!

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I have read that the tip is calculated on the before-tax amount of a restaurant bill (or other service), but that always seems rather cheap, so I usually tip on the gross amount (i.e., food, drinks, and taxes). Which is the correct way? Do waiters feel snubbed if the tip is based on the before-tax amount?

Signed,
I Wanna Be a Good Tipper

Dear I Wanna Be a Good Tipper,

First off, thank you for your concern and desire to make sure that you tip your server in a way that will make him or her happy. Many people do not put such thought into their tipping and will simply throw a few dollars onto the table regardless of the total of their bill. I suppose the correct way to tip would in fact be to look at the total before taxes and then figure out 20% of that amount. However, using the total with the tax included does not make a huge difference so I would simply use that number and then round up to the next dollar. Here in New York City, the sales tax is about 8.25% and what a lot of people do is look at the tax amount and then double it making for about a 17% tip. This is fine too except for when you sit at the bar and the drinks do not have tax on them.

Of course the best way to ensure that you are tipping correctly is to do it this way. Look at your total (with tax) and put that number into your calculator (there is probably a calculator function of your cell phone.) Let us say the total is $79.32. Now hit the divide button, then the number two and then the equal button. You should now have a figure that reads $39.66. Round up to the nearest dollar making the total and even $40.00. This is the tip. It's much easier to do this than trying to figure out 15, 17 or even 20%. Math is hard. If this also is too complicated here is another, even easier, method.

Say your total is $32.56. Imagine that the word "total" is actually the word "tip." Round up to the nearest dollar making it $33.00. This is the tip. This way is very simple and will guarantee that your server will be satisfied and also that he will remember your face the next time you come into the restaurant. Should you choose to use this method to calculate your tips, please email me to find out the address of my job so that you can sit in my station. I will love you forever if you use this method. You will be my best friend. I will marry you and have your babies.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter


Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week. Or just email me to say hi. It makes me happy.

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am sixteen weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier. Well, except for one thing...I never realized how rude people really are. I was raised to believe if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it. Since I pretty much stick to those words I have been able to avoid people's harshness. Yet now that I am showing and more people know, everyone seems to be a freakin' obstetrician. For instance I am not getting enough of that, or eating the proper amount of this and how so many babies are born with birth defects because of eating non-organic food. Yeah, I would love to eat all organic foods if I could afford it. Plus, last week my husband actually had to throw a glass of wine in this guys face for harping about how horrible the name we picked out for our baby to be is. It's a family name for crying out loud. Now I know since you're male you might be thinking how the hell should I know lady but, I love the way you deal with humans. If you can give me any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it.


Sincerely,
One Annoyed Prego

Dear Annoyed Prego,

First off, congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy. I absolutely love children and invite you to bring your weeks old baby to my station anytime where I will coo over it and shower it with affection. Being male, I have not had the pleasure of being pregnant and while I do not have children of my own, I can still appreciate what you are going through. You are right. People have no problem sticking their big ass noses all up in somebody else's beeswax. I bet they feel it is perfectly acceptable to rub your stomach too, right? I just don't understand how some people can be so unaware of their rudeness, carelessness and thoughtless behavior (and before Anonymous jumps in and calls me out, I am aware of my rudeness, carelessness and thoughtless behavior.) I applaud your husband for throwing a glass of wine in the man's face who disliked the name you chose for your offspring. The man deserved it, unless the name you chose was some dumb ass moniker like Paris, Hamburger, Apple, Moon Unit, Brooklyn, Vagisilia, Gyne Lotrimin or Kathie Lee Gifford. In the future when someone says something to you that you feel is inappropriate, I would suggest you do the following. Simply respond (in your best hillbilly accent) with, "I's just a hopin' that it comes out with ten fingers and ten toes! Ya see, I done got pregnant with my brother. But I shure does love my brother so it's all good." That ought to shut 'em up. And when someone wants to rub your belly, might I suggest you electrocute them with a cable that you have wrapped around your waist? You can surely do this by installing some kind of electric fence apparatus that you can pick up at your local home improvement store. The folks at home Depot are very helpful and they will be more than willing to assist you so that you can figure out a way to shock other people while not shocking yourself. Or your unborn child.

Good luck, Annoyed Prego! And thanks for your question.

Love,
the Bitchy Waiter


Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week.

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am an 18 year old girl who is just starting college and am thinking about getting a part time job as a waitress. All my friends tell me that this is a bad idea because restaurant employees, especially servers are a bunch of cigarette smoking, booze swilling, drug addicts. Is this true? The waitress in my home town in Idaho, is a very sweet lady. My friends also say that if I start working at a restaurant, I'll turn into a crack addicted tramp. Is that true as well?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I feel it is my duty to let you know that your friends are 99% correct about restaurant employees. Most of them are exactly as they have described with the exception of myself and the sweet waitress you know from Idaho. We are both wonderful and caring people who avoid cigarettes, drugs and booze at all costs much unlike everyone else in the restaurant industry. (Occasionally, I may fall off the wagon and have a cocktail or two.) Your hometown waitress was a total meth head for many years, but she kicked the habit and now her only addiction is Diet Coke. She is constantly at the soda gun feeding her cravings by drinking straight from the tap. It's not pretty, but it's better than meth. Sort of. Anyhoo, if you decide to get a job as a waitress, be ready to eat a big slice of I-Told-You-So pie from your friends because you will most definitely become a crack addicted tramp.

So what should you do to earn money that will not lead you down the path of evil? Well, it has to be something with flexible hours so that you can continue your education. And it has to be something where you can make good money in a relatively short period of time so you have time for your homework. And it has to be something that will not make you smell like fajitas. I would suggest prostitute. As a young woman, men will be willing to pay a pretty penny for your time and you can be certain that your "johns" will treat you with way more respect than they would if you were a lowly waitress. And as a bonus, you can make your own hours, be your own boss and not pay taxes. It's a win win! Confused, I know you can do this if you set your mind to it. Good luck! (By the way, I hear that Craigslist has removed their "adult services" sections so I would suggest "casual encounters.")

Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter

Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I saw your comment about overpriced dishes at various NYC restaurants and how you'd like to work at one (because of that). What does it take to get a job as a waiter at one of the really high-class, expensive NYC eateries? One would assume, as well, that with high prices, tips would be better or are they, in actuality? Do tell, plz!

signed,
Curious

Dear Curious:

There are many ways to finagle your ass into a high priced eatery as a server. Of course the best way is to be an impeccable professional with amazing experience and a detailed resume showing it off. However, if you are someone like me who has always worked in low budget, chain, diner crap restaurants, then your best bet is to lie your ass off and hope for the best. Many people ask me how to get a waiting job in New York City when so many places require New York City experience. It's a goddamn catch fucking 22. You need the experience but can't get hired to gain the experience. I often recommend lying in that case as well. When I moved to New York City back in the late 1960's, I had several years of waiting experience under my apron but no one would hire me because I had never done it in New Your City, as if carrying a tray in one state is any different than carrying it in another. So I lied. I added a non-existent restaurant onto my resumé with just a few months of experience on it. In NYC, restaurants come and go so it is no surprise to say that you worked somewhere that is now closed. Just look for a restaurant that recently opened and chances are it was another restaurant a few weeks before. Say you worked there until it closed. If they try to call the place to verify your job history, the number will either be disconnected or the new restaurant will say that the old one closed collaborating your employment dates that you put on your resumé . End of story.

Getting into a fine dining place is a bit harder, but can be done. Simply wait until the restaurant is getting its linen delivery of tablecloths and napkins. When you see the big rolling cart of linens going into the back of the house, all you have to do is climb into it and hide yourself beneath the napkins. Once inside, put on your apron, scope out a section you like and go for it. (Warning: this may not work every time. It is possible you could be arrested for trespassing but it is not a big deal and they usually drop the charges. Usually.)

Good luck with your job search!

Signed,

The Bitchy Waiter


Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

Have you ever had a bus person or server steal your tips? What should I do?

Signed, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
First, let me thank you for writing in. I only wish you had used your real name because whenever someone uses "anonymous" I think its one of those hater bitches who are always trying to bring me down. And now to your question. Yes, I have had people steal my tips and I blamed it on the bus boy. Those sorry ass mother fuckers always lift the money off the table to wipe it and then when they put the money back down, they keep a dollar or maybe just the spare change. Of course, it's hard to prove, but if you have an idea who is doing it, then you need to catch them red handed so you can report it to your manager and get their thieving ass fired. But how to catch them? There are many ways, but I recommend the following: go to your local Spy Store where you can buy something like a Nanny Cam. Get a high quality one that costs at least or four or five hundred dollars because you want the video to be crystal clear when you upload that shit to You Tube. Install the camera in a light fixture directly over a table in your station. This can be done by accessing the electrical wiring by going into the ceiling. While up in the ceiling, be aware of fiberglass insulation. You certainly don't want to get it on you. It may be best to wear a full body suit that electricians wear and you can pick one of those up at your local Home Depot for not more than seventy-five dollars. Once the camera has been installed, it is time to set your trap. Consciously leave your tips on the table for longer than you normally would so that the greedy thief has plenty of opportunity to steal it. Once you feel that you have caught what you want on camera, simply go back into the ceiling to remove the camera, transfer the tape on to DVD and edit it by using a simple home editing program like iMovie. I recommend you add titles, transitions and music to make the recording as enjoyable as possible. You may find it helpful to take a class at the Learning Annex to learn more about editing. Upon completion, present the DVD to your manager. Make sure you have labeled the DVD and created a jewel case cover for it (use Avery label templates) so that your manager knows exactly what he or she will be watching. After the theft has been clearly seen on video surveillance, it will be a very simple procedure to fire this bitch on the spot. Follow these simple steps and your problem will be solved!

If you feel that this is too complicated and you simply want revenge, slash that bitches tires or use the old iPod flier routine. Good luck!

signed,
the Bitchy Waiter


Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? You can email me here and I will answer one question a week!

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I need your advice. I have just left my usual spot after receiving half-ass drinks all night from the bartender with the lovely face and ample bosom. After asking to cash out she proceeded to wait on many male patrons and when she finally returned to me with my card and receipt she popped attitude. Should I have clotheslined her like I wanted to?

~Donda

Dear Donda,
I can see how tempting it would have been to wait for this bartender's shift to end, follow her home in order to learn her address and then head over to 7-11 for a carton of eggs to pelt her house with. Very tempting indeed. I do not recommend ever doing this no matter how much fun it would be and how many wonderful memories you would have for the rest of your life. (And on a side note, an open apology to Mrs. Deheul, my 12th grade drama teacher: I'm sorry I pelted your house with eggs even though it was really fun and I am still carrying around those memories from that magical evening.) Donda, you should just let this girl be. We all know she was spending all her attention on the men folk because her big titties were going to help her get bigger tips. Can't says I blame her. I guess she didn't feel like it was worth it to pay attention to you even though there was a hefty Double D tip in it for her. What goes around comes around. Just last week I ate dinner at a bar and the hot young (male) bartender kept ignoring me as he poured attention on all the single ladies. Fine, whatever. But when he gave me my check, the dumbass had forgotten to ring in all four of my cocktails. They were $11.50 each. He fucked up because he was too busy with the hos he thought would tip him more. Did I tell him? Nope. It's happened to all of us. I left him a 30% tip on what he did charge me but it could have been so much more. Never fear. The bartender that dissed you will have her chance at getting dissed in return.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter