Foreigners Don't Tip

Let me start out by apologizing to anyone who may be from Europe or some other country where it is not customary to tip your server. But some of you suck. In this country, we tip.

I went to work last night assuming the good mood from the night before would just carry over to the next day. Working in a performance space, the type of show is what affects the audiences and therefore my tips. Last night's was some French/Brazilian/New York World Music kinda shit. His fans were really into it, but there were a few things they were not into at all: making reservations, showing up on time, manners or tipping. We had reservations for 17 people which is easy for one person to handle. By the time the show was over, they had mushroomed to 40 people which is very difficult for one person to handle. If these bitches had made a reservation, then we would have had two servers on. Over half of them showed up after the show had started making it really impossible to keep a routine. They dragged in ten or fifteen minutes into the performance. I assume they were still on European time or something, but I thought the time difference was a few hours or something, not 15 minutes. Of course they were all rude when they got there because they were already missing some of the show like it's my goddamn fault they were late. And they could not grasp the two drink minimum concept. I ended up putting a lot of $5.00 minimum charges all over the fucking place. Here is the conversation I had with booth 6 which had two minimum charges on it:

Foreigner: Err, pardon me, but what is this ten dollar charge here?
Bitchy Waiter: We have a two drink minimum as we told you at the beginning of the show so I had to add the minimum charge.
Foreigner: But we had two drinks, a seltzer and a Cabernet
Bitchy Waiter: Sir, it's two drinks per person, not per table.
Foreigner: (grumble, grumble, grumble)

Does this dude really think that's gonna fly with me? So if I crammed eight people into the booth, he thinks they could just get two drinks, a straw and call it day? No, asshole, that would be 16 drinks. Of course, he didn't tip me.

Booth 3: Three girl with last names that had no vowels in them. Their check was $137 and they wanted to split it three ways with three separate cards. Apparently they really like that number because each of them only left me $3.00. Crap bitches.

Table #14: The man was fasting for Ramadan and could not even drink water. We were cool with that and I didn't charge him even the minimum charge since it's for religion and all. His friend though had only one glass of wine so she got one minimum charge. He was not pleased but she wasn't fasting, right? No, she wasn't. Their bill was about $35. They left me three bucks.

At the end of the night, I hated everyone there. The performer gave me a copy of his CD when he left. Like that would make up for the three twenty dollars bills I was making that night even though I was non-stop in the weeds the whole night. A CD. That's just great. Who the hell even buys CD's anymore? I'll regift it the next time I am forced to be in some lame ass Secret Santa drawing.

Foreigners: please tip at least 15% or you perpetuate the stereotype and we continue to hate waiting on you.

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My First Day Back Didn't Suck

Last night was my first shift back to work and taking drinks to people in return for tips. Nine whole weeks have passed since I have handled any cocktail that wasn't my own and I managed to get through the night without forgetting that the martini was for table 6 and not for me. I think it was the afterglow of my hero mixed with a healthy dose of mood stabilizers that allowed me to get through the night. I was in a good mood, but don't get me wrong. I ain't saying that I had rainbows shooting out of my ass and I was tiptoeing through any fucking tulips or anything, but things were smooth. It's almost like the customers knew it was my first day back and they all took a chill pill before sitting in my station. I was prepared to pull a "See Ya' later, Steven Slater" if somebody gave the crusty eye. Taking a cue from Mr. Jet Blue, I went in prepared for an emergency exit. My evacuation slide wouldn't have been as fancy as his of course since I had to make it with things I could find in and around my home. I MacGyvered an emergency evacuation slide using an an air pump, duct tape, Aqua Net hairspray cans and a Slip 'n Slide. It was then then crammed into a My Little Pony backpack. I also had a Cosmo in a canteen that I would crack open as I slid down. Wearing that shit all night was a wee bit cumbersome but it seemed necessary. You, know, for emergencies.

At the end of the night I was impressed with myself that the ripcord (made out of shoestrings and Silly Bandz)) never got pulled, when all of a sudden I looked into the room and saw some people who had let their Welcome Wagon coupon expire. The show had been over for almost half an hour and all of my sidework was done but these five people thought they had already gone home and were sitting in their living room chatting it up. I stood nearby shooting evil eyes and imaginary hippo farts at them when a co-worker asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. Immediately, I ceased to give a shit about the lollygaggers and ran to the bar where my chardonnay/pinot/blanc/whatever waited for me. By the time I slurped it up, the table had left.

Survived day one of actual work. Not too shabby.


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Waitress of the Sky Loses It, Becomes God

By now you may have heard of my hero of all heroes who decided that he needed Calgon to take his ass away immediately. A Jet Blue fight attendant had words with a passenger who started to remove his luggage from the overhead bin before the aircraft had come to a complete and final stop. The Waitress of the Sky known as Steven Slater told the douchedbag customer to sit his ass down since the captain had presumably not turned off the fasten your seat belts sign. Of course the customer was full of self importance and ignored the rules. When his luggage hit the steward(ess) on the head, all hell broke loose up in that cabin. According to legend, (because this is what it will always be to me, just like Paul Bunyan and his Big Blue Ox), my hero went up to the PA system and cursed this bitch out and then said that twenty years in the airline business was enough. He grabbed a beer, said, "It's been great" and then made the coolest and bitchiest exit ever in the history of quiting a job. He activated the emergency slide and slid his ass outta there and drove his ass home. Steven: next time you do this call me. I will come and get you in a white stretch limo and there will be buckets of champagne chilling in the back seat. The floorboard will be covered with rose petals and Queen will be singing "We Are the Champions" as we motor out of JFK in style. All service employees will salute you as we make our way to the Canyon of Heroes for your ticker fuckin' tape parade.

I have quit jobs before but this air hostess knows how to do it right. In the future when I decide to leave a job, the bar has been set so incredibly high by this modern day customer service hero that it may be impossible to surpass. As I face my first day back to waiting tables after a nine week hiatus, I am considering bringing my own emergency evacuation slide with me to work. I want one real bad. I can see it now. As I stand over booth five waiting for an ancient old lady to decide if she wants sparkling water, flat water or to just give up on living altogether, I pull the rip cord and grab a Cosmo. As the slide opens in a matter of seconds the sheer force of it knocks the old lady back into 1922. She then orders a Sarsaparilla float and starts to do the Charleston as I slide my ass outta there and live happily ever after. This, unlike our Steven Slater who was arrested a short while later and may have to go to jail for his drama queen ways. I doubt it though. I think any judge would be like "A for effort, but don't you do it again. Now get outta here, you crazy kid and don't let me catch you in here again." He probably lost his job for this stunt but I say write a book about it and sell the movie rights to Lifetime or Logo. Or at the very least, become a Deity so I have someone to pray to every night.

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The Dark Esquire - LEXICONS

This week sees the release of The Dark Esquire's Lexicons.

Featuring the single version, plus an instrumental dub edit and remixes from Italians Do It Betters PREMIER RANG and Detachments its available only from Junodownload.

http://www.junodownload.com/products/lexicons/1612503-02/

We've still got a few copies of Situation available from the Thisisnotanexit store so if you have't got one go get as its the only way to get the 12" version of Situation and the CFCF and Crimea X Remixes.

http://thisisnotanexitrecords.bigcartel.com/product/the-dark-esquire-situation-12

The Dark Esquire website is coming soon....

Simon A. Carr Slutty Fringe Set 7.8.10

Simon A. Carr Slutty Fringe Set @ The Big Chill House 7th August 2010

Palms - Boundary Waters (Gavin Russom Remix)
Public Image Limited - Flowers Of Romance
Public Image Limited - Flowers Of Romance (Instrumental)
Michael Moorcock - Time Center
Detachments - The Flowers That Fell (The Niallist's Coldmixx)
Medio Mutante - Another Land
Six Sed Red - Shake It Right
Das Ding - Inter Cesters
Pink And Black - Sometimes I Feel
The Flying Lizards - Money
Modern Art - Still Life
Kristal - Love & Magic (Dub)
R3mote - Lonesome Frontier
The Shortwave Mystery - Without Cause
Dakar & Grinser - I Wanna Be Your Dog
Depeche Mode - Nodisco
The Bridge - Love Dance (Industrial Mix)
OMD - Messages (GW Ruff Edit)
New Order - The Beach

Am I Famous Yet?

Since I am currently a full-time actor (for one more day) and I was recognized the other day while buying ice cream on Main Street, I thought I would rehash an old post about celebrities. You know, since one sixteen year old girl asked me if I was in "that play" I am a total celeb (in my delusional mind).

I hate waiting on celebrities. I haven't had to do it very often because famous people don't usually come into the places that I sling hash. Generally, they like to go to places that are not chains, franchises and/or crappy and I usually work at places that are chains, franchises and/or crappy. If a famous person comes into a place I work, then I instantly question their judgement and credibility. Once when I worked in Times Square at the Houlihan's a soap opera actor came into my station. It was the old guy who played Palmer Cortlandt on All My Children. I think he's still on it. Anyhoo, he sat in my station with this really hot Latin guy who was about 100 years his junior. Palmer looked like he just came off the set of the soap because he was wearing a freaking ascot around his neck. The young guy was all flirty with him and and then Palmer paid for their lunch on his credit card. I ain't judging or anything, but can you say "sugar daddy"? He was really nice though and it was exciting to see someone from one of my stories. Several months ago Ivanka Trump came into VYNL where I was working at the time. Obviously, she was slumming or she wanted to see how poor people live because she came in to have an $8.99 omelet. I didn't wait on her. My friend did though and said she was alright, but only left a 15% tip. C'mon! Bitch, we know you have hundred dollars bills flying out of your ass and you're only going to leave four bucks? Bump it up to 20% and share the wealth.

Another person I know said she served the Grandma from Everybody Loves Raymond once. She seems like such a sweet old lady. Doris Roberts her name is. Apparently though, she's a dried out vagina lip. This colleague told me she ordered a two-minute egg. And sent it back five times. Five times. After the first time, don't you think the chef (fry cook) would actually time it to make sure it was really two minutes? And then a third time? And fourth time? And a fifth? Get real, lady. You ain't the Queen of England. Maybe the egg just didn't taste right to her because her taste buds arenow fossils. Or maybe she secretly hated eggs because her last ovary fell out of her cooch back in the Roaring 20's. Whatever the reason, it's no excuse.

If I ever see a celebrity in my station, I don't want 'em. I have ignored Connie Chung and I will ignore any other famous person too. Famous people are just people who lucked out. If they sit in my station I will treat them just like the stroller mom or the old homeless lady who pays with coins: like crap.

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Bitchy Waiter Advice

Someone sent me a Facebook post asking for my advice about how to deal with a co-worker. That's right. Someone was looking at me as their own personal Dear Abby. My plan was to copy that post and respond to it here, but they removed it before I had a chance to extol my wisdom. So I shall paraphrase her quandary:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
First off, let me say how totally and completely amazing you are. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. Anyway, I need your help. My friend works with a woman who constantly steals tables from other people and no amount of reminding her what her station is seems to matter. I can't go to management with this problem because there basically is none at the restaurant. What do you think my friend should do?

Signed,
Worried Waitress

Dear Worried Waitress,
This girl that your friend works with sounds like a total bitch ass pain in the hoo ha. First off, I would take the matter to management. Even if she thinks the manager won't help, they are the ones to go to first. If they are so completely unhelpful, maybe another place to work is the answer. I would also go to the ghetto bitch and gently remind her that she is taking care of a table that are not hers. If that does not help, you have my permission to go passive aggressive on her ass.
This may not affect what tables she takes but it will make your friend feel a whole hell of a lot better. Get her cell phone number from the contact sheet. You then open up your handy dandy Word application and draw up a flier for an imaginary iPod that you are trying to sell for $50. Just explain that it's basically new but you got a new one for your birthday and want to get rid of the old one. Post the phone number of the table stealing whore on the flier. Then make sure that you say that she works odd hours so the only time to call is after midnight or before 8:00 AM. Make about a hundred fucking million of these fliers and head to your nearest college campus. Put these bitches up everywhere. I guarantee it will make her cell phone ring like crazy. I would also suggest that they text her so that she may go over her minimum texts for the month and have to start paying for them. Just to make sure that it's working, go to a pay phone (not a number you want traced) and call the number to ask about the great deal on the iPod. If she responds with "Stop calling me!! It's a wrong number!! Stop fucking calling me!! STOP!!!" then you know your work is done. Not that I have ever done this. Why, that would be mean and bitchy and horribly unlike me. Uh huh. Sure. Good luck.



Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter



Do you have a problem that only The Bitchy Waiter can help you solve? Feel free to email me at sideofmustard@gmail.com for the best advice you will ever get from anyone in the whole entire world.

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