I Wish It was a Smoothie

I saw something happen at work yesterday that both entertained me and horrified me at the same time. No, Holly Hobbie did not finally release the lemon that has been stuck up her ass. In fact, I think the lemon has been joined by citrus friends orange, pineapple and grapefruit along with a bottle of Cabernet. Bitch has a fucking sangria party happening up in her poop chute. I was standing near my station when I saw a woman rushing to the bathroom. She had a white creamy liquid dripping off her face and hands and her blouse was also covered with it. Next I saw a waitress following her with a linen napkin held out in front of her that was also dripping the same questionable substance. "Hmmm," I thought. "Did Lispy Gay Manager just have a party with his friends?" I looked in the direction from whence they came and saw some back waiters mopping the floor and people milling about. I then figured that someone had dropped one of the delicious organic and overpriced smoothies and it splattered all over the poor lady sitting nearby. Sucks to have smoothie all over you, right? If only it was smoothie.

When the waitress came out of the bathroom of course I got my nosy ass all up in her face and asked her what happened. "Oh nothing. This lady just threw up, that's all." That's all? Hello no, that's not all. I want details. Did the food make her puke? Did Linda Evans say hello and the very sight of the double face piercing make this woman projectile vomit? Did she get a whiff of Lispy Gay's cologne? The waitress told me that the lady was pregnant and simply threw up. My next question was this: "And did you clean it up with that napkin?" Had it been me, and I saw a lady throw up in my station, she would have been up vomit creek without a barf bag, because my ass ain't helping with that shit. If I helped, then there'd be two people tossing their cookies up in there. The waitress went on to explain that she was the oldest of about a dozen children and she grew up around pregnant women so she saw what was about to happen. "So I grabbed a napkin and tried to catch it." That's right, this Wonder Waitress caught the vomit. It was at this point I noticed there was a chunk of leftover vomit on her right shoulder. After it was pointed out to her, she laughed and went to the sink and rinsed it off with a wet paper towel. I resisted the urge to gag.

I never did see the lady come out of the bathroom. I presume she exited through the window because she was so completely ashamed about puking all over herself while a waitress tried to catch it in a fucking dinner napkin. She must have slunk her pregnant ass home and prescribed bed rest for her remaining pregnancy. Maybe after the baby is born she will be able to put this episode behind her. They say that all the pain of child birth is forgotten once you lay eyes on your new baby. Hopefully, this too will be erased from her memory. If only it could be erased from mine.


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