I Got a New Job

Did you hear the angels singing yesterday? Did you see the rainbow form in the sky and end at my doorstep with a unicorn sliding down it? Did you get a whiff of the sweet smell of success? I started a new job. (Cue confetti cannons and balloons, please.) I began training yesterday with what we all know and love: trailing. For those not in the know, trailing is when a new server follows behind someone who teaches newbie the ropes. I hate it. Give me a table chart, a menu and tell me how to ring in food and I'm good to go. It's especially annoying when the one who is training me is younger than my Smiths concert t-shirt that I sleep in. But what choice do I have? None. Like a helpless puppy, I follow Mike around so he can tell where the salt is kept in dry storage. Important, yes, but there are so many other things that I want to know about on my first day of work but you just can't blurt these things out:

• What do we get for shift meal and when is it?
• How much did you walk with yesterday?
• Which of the managers is a bitch and which one is cool?
• Are we really not supposed to use our cell phones or is that just something they say to the new people? Because I saw that girl texting in the sidestand.
• So the manager said that our jeans had to be a certain shade so I went and bought a new pair, but now I see people all over the place with faded ones. What the hell?
• Is the chef who is expediting always so cunty?
• Which of the servers are not cool, because I don't want to waste time getting to know them if they are losers.
• Do Jay Z and Beyonce really come in here all the time or is that something they told me at the orientation so I'd be all excited about my new place of employment?
• Are the managers gonna have an issue with me needing off November 15-17 because I kinda want to go to Washington DC for a couple of days?
• It's great that we have a barista who deals with all the coffees, teas and cappuccinos, but how much am I going to be tipping their asses out?
• Do I really have to use a tray to carry a single glass of water because that is so dumb.
  
• What happens if I fail my menu quiz? At Bennigan's we were told if we failed it, we couldn't wait tables. I failed it but still waited tables. Do I really need to memorize every fucking ingredient in the chicken liver toast appetizer?
• Which hostess is the biggest whore? I just wanna know.

I suppose all of these things will eventually be known to me. It's hard being the new guy. None of them know how totally cool I am and that they will soon be starring in this blog. I shan't tell anyone though. It took me long enough to find this goddamn job, so I ain't risking telling the wrong person about The Bitchy Waiter and get my ass fired. I'll just write about them. Soon someone will do something that warrants a whole blog post but will they know about it? Hell no. This is our secret.

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