Bitter, Party of One? Your Table is Ready

Within a few short days, I will be back to waiting tables. As I typed that just now, a tear fell onto my keyboard and I heard a one-eyed waitress laughing at me from far far away. For the past few weeks I have been okay with feeling like and actor and then being on vacation and not having any waiter nightmare sweats. But by this time next week, I will be ironing my uniform and practicing my fake smile. I need to sprinkle some Pristiq on my Cheerios and take an extra heaping helping dose of Paxil in order to fight a severe case of the sads... Here are a few things I am not looking forward to:

• carrying ice that is not part of my cocktail



• eating hummus while squatting behind the bar so no one see me



• having to ask if Pepsi is alright when someone orders a Coke



• scraping wax from a table because a lady thought her ass was small enough to squeeze into a booth but it wasn't and she knocked over a candle



• trying to remember what a regular orders because I don't even recall that shit when I don't have 9 weeks off



• trying to remember what my number is to log into the computer. (seriously, Tom...what is it?)



• standing in front of a computer that has no internet access or porn because it is only good for placing drink orders



• serving cocktails while other people are performing and trying to remember that the applause is not for me



• saying I am a waiter



• explaining where I have been over and over again to people who don't really care, they just want their fucking drink



• wearing long sleeved shirts



• wearing long pants



• wearing socks

There are a few things I am looking forward to:

• my after shift cocktail



• seeing my co-workers



• my after shift cocktail



• tips and cash in my pocket



• my after shift cocktail



• being home again



• my after shift cocktail



• having new stories to bitch about on this fucking blog



• my after shift cocktail

Can you think of anything else that will make me feel better about slapping the apron back on? Please help me. I am trying really hard to not be all dpressed and shit.