...and I Will Be Your Server Today

Sometime during the late 80's it became the fashion for servers to come up to a table and introduce themselves. I blame it on the explosion of chains like Bennigan's and Chili's that wanted to give customers that down home welcoming feeling. Well, I think it's a stupid load of crap. "Hello, my name is Sheila and I will be serving you today." "Oh really, Sheila, because I was pretty sure that you were going to be giving me a pap smear. Thank God you told me that you were here to be my waitress or it would have been really embarrassing when I took my panties off and laid my cervix on the table." What the fuck else is Sheila there for? Another thing that happens a lot (I'm looking at you, Pizzeria Uno in Springfield, Massachusetts next to the Basketball Hall of Fame) is that they write their name on the table with a crayon as if we don't have the mental capacity to recall the word Mary Lou for more than the thirty minutes we will be eating there. And they always have to write it upside down so that it is right side up for us at the table. How many shifts did Mary Lou need to finally master the art of signing her name upside down. Some customers probably encourage this behavior by complimenting Mary Lou on her handwriting after she does it.

I propose that we no longer introduce ourselves to tables. (Not like I ever do...). I think by telling a table my name, it just gives them the opportunity to use it too often. And I certainly have no need or desire to know the name of every person who sits in my station. Occasionally I will look at the name on a credit card so I can say "thank you, Mr. So And So, I appreciate you coming in today" but I only do that so that maybe he will tip me more because I was so damn fucking personable. I learn names on a need to know basis. I am a big fan of sweetie, honey, babe, dude, man, brother, buddy, sir, ma'am, asshole and beeotch. And I expect that most people are the same way I am. So from now on, don't waste syllables and breath by tellingh your tables your name. They don't care. I don't care. Let's all not care together.

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