I Don't Need Help Wiping My Ass

As much as I write about the overall crappiness of waiting tables, I think I may have found a service job that ranks even lower than being a slinger of the hash. Whilst eating dinner at a very fancy and hoity toity restaurant a few days ago, I came across some poor slob who had taken service positions to a new low. A job that even I would refuse to take and that says a lot, because I fucking worked as Popeye once at an amusement park. I'll fucking do practically any job. Except one. Behold: the bathroom attendant.

I have never really understood the need for a bathroom attendant. Not since I was about five years old have a I needed assistance doing anything toilet related. (Well, there was that one time my sophomore year in college but that was totally random. And thank you, you know who you are.) What is it about upscale joints that make them feel the need to have someone in the loo to turn on the faucet for me and then hand me a fucking paper towel? And then there is that awkward moment where you pretend that you are going to give them a dollar. I pulled the old "my wallet is in my coat pocket" trick because I just don't want to give this guy money. Yes, it sucks that he sits in this room and has to listen to the kids being dropped off at the pool over and over again. And I am sorry that he has to smell whatever odor is emitted from the body of Fatty McFattFatt Ass. And I feel bad that his shoes are covered with the golden droplets of urine that didn't quite make it into the urinal. But really? I need to give this guy a dollar? He had the sink area all covered with cologne and lotion and mouthwash and gum and anything else I might need, but the thing is I didn't need it. The bathroom was about the square footage of a box of Cheerios, so it would have been nice to have more room in there instead of half of it being taken up by this professional ass wiper.

Does this sound bitchy? I realize he too is looking for tips. He wants money. But a bathroom attendant? C'mon. I now know there is at least one job in the restaurant world that I will never have.