Off please. Thanks.

Bloody Mary Whine Bag

It's been a while since I had a real bitch in my station that made me need to vomit out my feelings about her, but last night she slid into booth number one. I only had one nerve when I got to work and that bitch had to get all up on it. She was wearing a lot of make up, like Tammy Faye (may she rest in peace) levels of make up. And she was wearing a black top that had sequins on it. It may have had some feathers around the collar too. I'm pretty sure it did, but I already tried to erase her image from my memory and parts of last night are gone forever. The loss of memory may or may not have something to do with the alcohol that was consumed after work; not sure.

"How's the the Bloody Mary?" she asked, when I queried about her cocktail of the evening.

I acted like I have tasted one before and said that it was delicious. They get ordered all the time and no one ever returns it, so I assume they're good. People really think I have tasted every cocktail on the menu? What do they think I am, a fucking alcoholic who sits around at work and drinks every night? Okay, maybe they do know me, but I have never tasted a Bloody Mary because that would involve a vegetable serving and I try to avoid those at all costs. I brought her Bloody Mary and later on when it was time for the second drink, she whispered to me that the Bloody Mary was awful and she would have a Cabernet instead. Fine. I don't give a shit.

After the show, she called me over to again let me know that the Bloody Mary was horrible. "Oh, I'm sorry, I said. And I was sorry she didn't like her drink because I knew it was expensive. "A lady over there had two and she really enjoyed them."

"Well, it was horrible," she said as she rolled her eyes to the back of her head.

"I guess it's a subjective opinion then. I'm sorry." End of story, I thought.

"No, I'm a bartender and I know. There was no vodka in it. It was just tomato juice and horseradish."

She was wrong of course. I know for a fact that it had vodka in it. I watched it being made and we don't leave liquor out of drinks. We just don't do that. I gave her the check and she looked at the $45.73 total and gasped. "Is the tip included?"

"No, ma'am."

She shot me this look that said, "Are you freakin' kidding me?" She gave me a twenty dollar bill and a credit card and told me to put twenty to the check and the balance on the card. So I took her credit receipt back to her with a total of $25.73 on it and she looked at and grunted. "No, I wanted to put twenty in cash and then the balance on the card!"

"I did that, ma'am. Twenty dollars cash plus $25.73 totals $45.73, does it not? I believe that is the total of your check, correct?

She looked at it again and then snorted out, "Fine!" Like she was doing me a fucking favor. Look lady, I didn't fucking invent math. Do I look like Pythagoras? Pay your bill and shut the fuck up.

On the way out, she of course had to let the bartender know that the Bloody Mary was horrible and that she was bartender and she knows best and blah blah blah. I don't get what her deal was. If she didn't like the drink she should have fucking told me. The lady at the next booth sent her drink back and had more juice added (because we did pour liquor into her drink). I hate when people complain after it's too late to do anything about it and they won't accept an apology and they just keep bitchin' about it.

This lady was a windbag. A big gassy bag of wind that had Bloody Mary and Cabernet breath and was rocking a black sweatsuit looking ensemble with sequins and fucking feathers. 'nuff said.

Grabby McGrab Grab

As servers, we have all been touched, grabbed, groped and fondled. It happened to me the other night when a lady grabbed my elbow as I breezed past her table. I guess she was so ready to order her cocktail, that her hand developed a mind of its own and flew out to my person and attached itself to me. I told her I would be right back to take her order, but what the grope did was effectively make her have to wait even longer to get her Pear Cosmo. Sometimes, we don't mind being groped but I find that it's only acceptable in certain situations and they usually involve drinking and/or being in a bar. I was perusing the internets the other day and came across a news item in Australia about a man who groped a waitress and they sent his grabby ass to jail for it.

The man was 63 years old and worked in the kitchen at some place called Whitebait. There's problem number one. Any restaurant named Whitebait is just asking for trouble. The waitress was only 15 years old which is another issue. Don't they have child labor laws down under, mate? G'day and all that but why the hell is a 15 year old waiting tables? I guess the man grabbed her ass and squeezed her 15 year old boobies and then tried to kiss her. Okay, gross. Listen, Pappaw if you want to make the skeezy moves on a younger woman, at least make sure it's a woman and not a little girl. And then he tries to blame the girl for acting in a "lustful, self-gratifying manner" and forcing him to act on the spur of the moment. What an antique douchebag. They sent him to jail for six months and in Australia, that's like two years because of the different time zones and every thing. And while in jail all he gets to eat is Vegemite sandwiches and shrimp that came from the barbie. And yes, my whole knowledge of everything "down under" is based on Men at Work songs and Crocodile Dundee.

The point is, we don't want to be grabbed (unless we are drinking). We don't want to be groped (unless we are drinking), demeaned (unless we are drinking), or hit upon (unless we are drinking). Customers who reach out and touch a server are looking for trouble and I just want to put it out there. If you grab a server you might just go to jail for a really long time. Or at the very least you will have to wait five extra minutes before I bring you your cocktail. So think about that the next time. Five minutes is a long long time when you are ready to be drinking. And once you start drinking, you will feel more comfortable in case you yourself are groped.

PARALLELS

This week the mighty Parallels release some of their synthetic italo disco hyper space machine music into the world.

Firstly, their debut single Ultralight has been retwisted and refocused and reversioned and remixed by three of Thisisnotanexit's finest: Detachments, The Dark Esquire and Club Silencio. Detachments take the track into a strange alien worldly warehouse rave soundtracked by a battle between Adonis and Martyn - techno vs. dubstep - No Way Back vs. Megadrive Generation - who will win. Totally dark and totally twisted. The Dark Esquire digs out his copy of The Human Leagues DARE and gives Martin Rushent a call.

"You know that track Don't You Want Me?"

PAUSE

"Well I've beaten it"

It's a future space disco 80s duet classic. Seriously. It makes me want to get my Soft Cell and Heaven 17 records out and shout "This ain't no fascist groove thing" out of the window.

Club Silencio gets on the fax to MK and goes all deep house vs. MK 1990 on Holly Dodson vocals. Deepness. As debuted on the last Diesel Show I did.

£2.99? Surely worth every penny.

http://www.junodownload.com/products/1512477-02.htm

If you are completely ruthless you can listen to Parallels debut album for free on Soundcloud right here:

http://soundcloud.com/parallels

And if you want to actually buy something of physical importance then you can copies of the Ultralight 12" are still available from the Thisisnotanexit webstore featuring 3x Parallels tracks including an early version of Ultralight that isn't on the album.

http://thisisnotanexitrecords.bigcartel.com/product/parallels-ultralight-12

Detachments: Are you a fan?

Are you a fan of Detachments? You should be. You can pledge your allegiance via the below link which will take you to the bands fan page.

And then once you're a fan you should also ask all your friends to become fans. And get them to tell their friends to become fans. And then you will simply have to ask how deep is the rabbit hole?

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Detachments/34847912156?ref=nf

In honour of all things Detachments they are playing at The Queen Of Hoxton on Thursday February 18th. We have a special cheap list so if you would like to attend for a cheap price then email us or leave a comment with your name.

You can also have a listen to their cover of New Order's The Perfect Kiss which they recorded for the Tony Wilson tribute album right here:

http://soundcloud.com/sonshine/the-perfect-kiss-detachments-ceremony-a-new-order-tribute

Lack of proper blogging recently which I apologise for. Coming up soon (I promise) will be posts on These New Puritans, Sudeten Creche, Minimal Wave and Moscow. Stay tuned.

BUSY TIMES: Thisisnotanexit Listening List

Busy times here at TINAE HQ so here's simply a list of music we've been listening to over the past week or so....

Crimea X - Untitled Album (unreleased cd-r)

Roll The Dice LP

Micron 63 - Untitled Album (unreleased cd-r)

Detachments album demos

Optimo Podcast #4

Xeno & Oaklander LP

The Minimal Wave Tapes Volume One LP

The Lines - Floodbank CD

Sudeten Creche - A Kiss From The Creche CD

The Durutti Column - A Paean To Wilson CD

Brassica - Venom Season

Night Plane Soul Clap

Night Plane - Soul Clap Podcast Jan 2010
All tracks by Night Plane
Mixed by harry

http://www.divshare.com/download/10344264-9bc

1. blue I feel (when I'm feeling down)
2. cava scura
3. the american friend
4. icebreaker
5. str8 2 ur heart
6. all the colors of the dark
7. let the right one in
8. back for more
9. fisherman
10. enemy lands

Let The Right One In features on Thisisnotanexit Manifesto 1 available here:

http://thisisnotanexitrecords.bigcartel.com/product/thisisnotanexit-manifesto-one-2xcd

NIght Plane's Chinese Shadows 12" is available here:

http://thisisnotanexitrecords.bigcartel.com/product/night-plane-chinese-shadows-12