I ♥ Vegetarians, Part 2

Since I pissed of so many vegetarians a few weeks ago, I thought I would offer this video as an apology. I will be going to dinner tonight at a Thai restaurant and ordering vegetarian spring rolls.



Happy eating everyone!

love,
The Bitchy Waiter

I ♥ Veggies

I climbed into my bed of lettuce last night, wrapped myself in swaddling clothes made out of cabbage leaves and prepared to see how my last post about vegetarians fared with readers. What a freakin' shit storm. This one really irked plenty of people and I was not expecting that at all. I mean, when I write about babies being annoying or old people getting on my nerves or a one eyed waitress, I expect some hatin', but this one caught me off guard. The funny thing is, I don't have a problem with vegetarians. I just can't ever imagine being one myself because of my long term relationship with gravy. Some of my best friends are vegetarians. My niece is a vegetarian. And yes, I have even eaten at vegetarian restaurants. I have seen "Food Inc" as was recommenced to me many times and I do eat grass fed organic beef and free range organic chicken and organic eggs. I don't think I wrote anything that was particularly mean about vegetarians, but I need to respond to a few comments that were a bit intense:

"How does the idea of breastmilk ice cream sound to you? conversely, why would you want to suck on a cows tittie for a drink? we are literally the only mammal to drink milk past infancy, let alone from another mammal." We are also the only mammal that wears clothing but I don't think we will all be running around naked anytime soon. And I am not going to give up ice cream but I don't want the breastmilk kind. Titties scare me.

"If you want to be sheltered about where your food comes from, fine. but you shouldn't make fun of people who are obviously more educated than you." I make fun of all people and I am the first to admit that most people are more educated than I am. They just aren't smarter.

"I expect better from you. first foreigners, now this? you should make your next rant about how niggers never tip you stupid fuck." Wow, this bitch really went there? How did she go from a simple post about vegetarians to me being a racist? Fuck her.

"But the BIG POINT: Vegetarians are no fun." I beg to differ. I never once insulted veggies. I am going out to dinner tonight with one and I expect to have a very fun time. She drinks. A lot.

"No longer a fan due to this post." I simply cannot believe that this post was the one that broke that camel's bitchy back. If you reread the post. I don't think I ever was mean about anyone. All I said was it can be a little annoying when we have to accommodate our menu to serve their dietary needs. Get over it.

"Very offensive and not funny at all. and I'm NOT a veggie. disappointed in this, especially by all the idiot comments." Reread my post. I was not offensive. It was the comments that took it to the next level. It's not like I was talking about vegetables and referred to them as Terry Schiavo. Now that would have been offensive. But I didn't do that.

"I agree with the idea that all living creatures have a place on this earth. sometimes that place is next to the mashed potatoes." True. Enough said.

So let us put this issue behind us and live as one big happy family and share the love. By the way, vegans? Now they're complete asswipes.

Vegetarians Confuse Me

I don't get vegans. At all. I mean I understand what they are, I just can't comprehend how they actually want to be one. Maybe its because I grew up in the land of meat and potatoes where the closest thing I ever got to a vegetable was a Bac-o on my baked potato. Oh sure, Mom would open a can of English peas every now and then but that was a mere gesture at the five major food groups. The peas were a facade. I ignored them and had double helpings of Hamburger Helper with Kraft macaroni and cheese. But vegans don't just avoid eating meat. No no no. They have to be so aware of the suffering of animals that they won't even eat cheese because it came from a cow that may have lived a difficult life in order to produce milk. Tough titty said the kitty, but the milk's still good. I find it hard to trust anyone who doesn't eat cheese. Or they won't wear a belt because the leather came from that same sad cow. So what, I'm supposed to wear vinyl shoes and a pleather belt? I saw Alicia Silverstone on Oprah a few weeks ago and she was praising the benefits of veganism. "My skin is clearer, my bowel movements are better, my attitude is happier..." You know what, Alicia? Take some Proactiv®, swallow some Metamucil® with a Paxil® chaser and you'll be fine. Then have some fucking nachos with grilled fucking chicken on 'em. So, what if a vegan raised a baby chicken into adulthood and it lived in the backyard and had the most perfect of lives? The chicken was fed only natural grains, it was showered with love and it got to sit in the coop all day and watch Jerry Springer and Bewitched (my dream afternoon, by the way). One day that chicken pops out an egg. And a vegan wouldn't want to scramble that bitch up? I don't get it.

I hate when vegetarians come into a restaurant and act all offended that the menu has only a few options for them. "What do you mean you don't have a veggie burger? What am I supposed to eat?" "Gee, how about a piece of toast and a glass of water or take your ass down the street to the Grass and Greens Veggie Delite Hut. Whatever." Or there are those vegetarians who will order the chicken noodle soup and just take the chicken out before they eat it. Does that count as being a vegetarian? I don't think so. Or they will order fries; the fries that are fried in the same oil as chicken wings? Does that count? Vegans are the worst though. They will look at the menu for thirty minutes and then try to concoct something that will not cross the imaginary line they drew for themselves. God forbid they should get a piece of bleu cheese in their cobb salad. A cobb salad with no chicken, no cheese, no egg, no bacon is not a cobb salad. It's just a sad salad. I personally order my cobb salad with less lettuce, extra cheese and extra bacon and ranch dressing. But hey, I'm not a vegan. Or vegetarian. I am carnivore, hear me roar.

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