Katy Perry and I Wish You a Happy Fourth of July

Happy Fourth of July to everyone who lives in the United States! For those of you in other countries, it's Monday. Shitty for you. In honor of this special day, I am posting Katy Perry's video for her song Fireworks. Because you know, the Fourth of July usually has fireworks. Get it? And then I can repost the story I wrote about Katy Perry when I waited on her last year at "The Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named."

Eat some watermelon, grill some burgers, drink some beers, watch fireworks, celebrate Independence Day! Oh, and if you don't live in the United States, sorry that it's just another crappy ass Monday that you have to get through.




from 11/10/10:

Maybe you have heard that I have a new job and that it sucks big hairy donkey balls that have been shaved with a rusty razor. The restaurant is well-known and celebrities seem to flock to the place. In my short week there, I have seen famous chef Wolfgang Puck, famous lesbian finance guru Suze Orman and world renown pop star Katy Perry. I served Katy Perry on my first day out of training. As if your first day out of training isn't stressful enough, I have to have the managers breathing down my neck to make sure I cater to the every whim of Katy Perry. As it turns out, she was polite, friendly, sweet, down to earth, kind and patient. All the things that my managers are not.

When she sat down with her circle of five friends, I decided I would treat her just like I do every other person in my station: like a person. Because that's what she is. A person. Who eats food. The table ordered and then Katy (I call her Katy, because we're close like that.) asked if we had mashed potatoes. "Um, I know we do for dinner, but I have feeling that we won't have them this early in the day. Lemme check and I'll let you know, okay?" I went up to manager Holly Hobbie and another manager who I have not written about yet (long story short: she's a bitch too.) "I have a table that wants mashed potatoes. Do we have those for lunch?" "No," said Holly Hobbie. "Oh, okay, because Katy Perry was asking-" Other Manager interrupted me. "Oh, is it for Katy Perry? Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes? I will go ask the kitchen if they can make mashed potatoes for Katy Perry since Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes." She zoomed off as if the world's very existence was at stake. Holly Hobbie let her glasses slide down her nose and said, "In the future? You should always say? Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes." (I don't know why so many of these managers say everything as a question, but they do.) Got it. So the next time anyone at lunch asks for mashed potatoes, I should say Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes. Other Manager came back from the kitchen looking like she had just had her stomach punched, completely defeated. "We don't have any mashed potatoes. You'll have to tell Katy Perry we don't have them. I tried, but the chef just doesn't have them. We would try to do it for Katy Perry if we could. Now if Joe Schmo wanted potatoes then..." I finished her sentence for her. "No potato for Joe Schmo!" I laughed and turned to walk back to my station. Other Manager called at me to return. With dead seriousness she said, "I'm serious. No mashed potatoes for Joe Schmo." Wow, she was for real.

I went back to my dear personal friend Katy to break the bad news to her. "Yeah, just as I suspected we only have mashed potatoes at dinner and they're just not ready yet." And how do you think Miss Katy Perry responded? Like a normal person, she said, "Oh, okay. That's totally cool. Just fries then." I always thought I liked that Katy Perry chick and now I know for sure. She's cool. I want to send her a big tub of mashed potatoes from KFC just to say thank you for being a friend.

The 4th of July Sucks (If You're at Work)

Today is the day that sucks the most to work in a restaurant because everyone in the country is out celebrating the independence of our nation by grilling hot dogs, eating watermelon, drinking beers and blowing off their fingertips with fireworks. So many restaurants refuse to close today because they think that someone might want to come in and order a burger instead of having one they cooked for themselves with their family. No one ever does. It's one of the slowest days of the year and what makes it even shittier is that in the food service world, holiday pay is virtually unheard of. So if you get scheduled to work on July 4th, you can count on making about ten bucks and missing out on any and all bar-b-q's that you have been invited to. So in case you are at work today, here are a few things you can do to help pass the time since you probably won't have any customers:

• use the ketchup and mustard to create fireworks patterns on the table tops.
• take a handful of cocktail straws (red and white ones) and design your very own personal United States flag.
• use blue curacao, grenadine and cream to come up with some special patriotic cocktail. Feel free to experiment. A lot. If all else fails, drink vodka.
• put Splenda, Sweet and Low and Sugar packets into an empty milk carton and then suspend it from the ceiling. Hit the carton with a broom handle until it bursts open and call it your Fourth of July pinata.
• find the oldest bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. (You can identify it by the bubbles on the inside of the bottle.) Place it in the sun and wait for it to explode. Fireworks.
• place sour cream on your nose and pretend it is sunscreen and you are at the beach.
• stand next to the grill in the kitchen and imagine that you are on your deck standing in front of your own bar-b-q pit.
• open up all the brown sugar in the restaurant and pour it on the floor. Take off your shoes and take a walk "on the beach."
• gather a handful of tomatoes and go to the roof. Throw them onto the parking lot to mimic the fireworks that you will be missing.
• put a handful of peppercorns in your mouth and have your own watermelon seed spittin' contest.
• stick a feather in your hat and call it macaroni.

Happy Fourth of July.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter blog.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.