Don't Touch My Tray

Dear Customer,

It's sweet that you want to help me by taking your own beer off of my tray as I am standing at your table, but don't fucking do it, alright? It does not help me. Here's the deal: I have been waiting tables for a really long time; like since the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Therefore, I have 235 years of experience and I have an amazing ability to balance trays. If you Lucy Goosey take a glass off my tray without letting me adjust where my hand is positioned underneath it, that balance is going to be off and the tray will come crashing down and I will be one pissed off bitch. Don't do that. It's my job so let me do it. Do I show up at your office and try to staple some papers together for you? Or do I try to bag my own groceries? Or pump my own gas? No, I don't because that is your job and I know you are just about the best darn gas pumper this side of the Mississippi.

Also, dear customer, when I am reaching across a table with a martini glass filled to the rim with the sweet luscious nectar called vodka, let me put the goddamn glass down before you try to grab it. I know your greedy alcoholic ass can hardly wait to put your lips on the glass and suck down some love, but gimme a goddamn minute to set it on the table, will ya? If you grab at it, there is a good chance that it will spill and if I waste vodka it will send me into a deep deep (so deep) depression. I will spiral out of control thinking about how many thirsty children there are in famine-ravaged Africa who could have shared that cocktail and here you are wasting it it by grabbing at it and making it spill all over the fucking table. And I have to clean it up too. So it's a double lose. In closing, keep your hands to your self. Don't touch my tray, don't touch shit on my tray and do not touch my ass (unless you can back up that grab with a 30% tip, in which case, feel free.) Please keep these things in mind when you see my approach with my tray, okay? Thank you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter


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