Children: Stay Out of Restaurants, Please

A restaurant owner in Monroeville, Pennsylvania has come to a realization: that there are plenty of people who will flock to a restaurant if there is a guarantee there will be no kids there. At all. None. Nada. Zilch. On July 16th Mike Vuick proclaimed that kids under 6 are no longer allowed at his restaurant McDain's. Let me raise my morning mimosa to Mr. Vuick. Of course we all know why it's a good idea. A lot of horrible parents don't know how to control their offspring and therefore impose their bratty ass kids into the worlds of people who want nothing to do with children. Look, if you want to take your kid to a restaurant, fine. Just make sure the kids knows it's not at home and it can't scream and run around and draw pictures on the wall with Crayons. Mr. Vuick has the right to have a kid-free environment. He says a person's kid should be the center of their universe but they don't realize that the kid is not the center of the universe. Hear, hear! I want to embroider that on a fucking pillow.

Of course some people in Monroeville are all upset. One mom, Stephanie Kelly, thinks it's an "ignorant decision" and she feels offended and discriminated against. Guess what, Steph. One of the reasons he probably doesn't want your baby in his restaurant is because of what you are doing during the television interview. She is shown pouring a bunch of berries or Cap'n Crunch or something into a big pile in front of her kid. The kid probably gets about half of them into its mouth and the other half ends up on the floor, which is fine when you are the one cleaning it up, Steph. And what about when your one year old wants more berries but you don't have any? He cries and screams and gets all up in the business of the table next to you who may have spent an extra twenty bucks to have a babysitter keep their kid at home.

There are plenty of places where you can take your kid, lady. Most places do not have a ban on children. In fact, I bet the only restaurant in all of Monroeville that you can't take your kid to is McDain's so why not go pretty much any place else? On the flip side, what if I want to go to a restaurant where I know my meal will not be ruined by a kid sitting at the next booth playing fucking peek-a-boo with me? In Monroeville, I would have one option. So let me have it. Take your family elsewhere. Find a place that provides coloring books with the menu and you can order chicken nuggets and apple juice in sippy cups to your heart's content.

And before Anonymous jumps all over me, I know it seems unfair, but I think it's unfair that people who have made a conscious decision to not have kids in their lives are still forced to deal with them anyway. And I also know that it's not the kids I hate, it's the parents who don't know how to teach manners to their children. McDain's will be fine. If they find that business is off, they'll switch back to serving kids and the stroller brigade will once again roll strong. Stephanie will be fine too. If not McDain's, why not McDonald's? Order a Happy Meal and shut the fuck up. (Sidenote to Steph: look into a calcium supplement. You might have a slight case of the hunchback happening.)

What do you think? Is this trend to have kid-free restaurants a good thing or a bad thing? I'd love to hear your comments. Also, I have reached out to the owner of McDain's for an interview regarding how this new policy has affected his business. If I get to interview him, I will post about it. I doubt he'll respond though. I mean, look at what I do.

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