Cloudy With a Chance of What the Fuck

We as waiters are used to odd requests from our guests who expect us to appease them in the name of good service. People seem to have no problem asking us to do things that may have nothing to do with the actual job we are hired to perform.


There are a few things I don't mind doing:

• Can I get a Jack and Coke on the rocks but with the rocks on the side?
• Can you put the pickle on a separate plate because pickles freak me out when they touch my other food?
• Would you mind fixing the blinds so the sun doesn't shine in my eyes? I have astigmatism and just had my eyes dilated.
• Can you put my mimosa in a coffee cup so nobody knows I am drinking?
• Can you wrap my food to go because I think this reuben sandwich will taste better if I eat it at home?

There are a few things that I can't believe people will ask me to do:

• Can you turn off the television because we don't allow our kids to watch TV when they eat?
• Would it be possible for you to run to the store and get some Aunt Jemima syrup since I don't like maple?
• Is it alright if you watch my baby while I go to the bathroom?
• Will you taste this and tell me if you think it's good?
• Can you make me a double non-fat macchiato with low fat chocolate syrup and the whipped cream on the side with just a sprinkling of organic cinnamon and then put it in a wine glass with a birthday candle on it?

But the other day, the hostess at my job shared with me a phone conversation she had just had. "Hello, I'm calling to get information about "Lola Falana" who will be performing there on December 4th, 5th and 6th." Our hostess, the ever consummate professional, was eager to please and asked the caller what she needed to know. Performance times, ticket cost, directions to the club? The lady responded by saying, "Yes, what is the weather going to be like on December 4th, 5th and 6th?" Lady, c'mon. This ain't the freaking weather channel. Did it sound like Sam Champion answered the phone? Did you dial 1-800- Accu-Weather Forecast? Seriously? But our hostess apparently has a different list than I do regarding things she will and won't do in the name of good service. She actually went onto the Internet and found a weather forecast and relayed the information the lady. She's like our own personal meteorologist. The lady hung up satisfied and our hostess had a funny story to tell and I got something to write about. I host there too sometimes. Had I picked up the phone, the lady would not have gotten a weather forecast from me. I would have told her there is a 50% chance of I dunno with a humility level of 100% and a cool front of apathy likely to come into our area at any moment.


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