Please Help the Needy (I Need Vodka)

The weather out side is frightful, but he fire is so delightful. And since you've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Just kidding. I freakin' hate the cold winter weather here in New York City. The weather sucks, there are too many tourists here, the trains are too crowded and the pressure to find the perfect gift for everyone you ever met in your whole life is far too much stress. Until now, that is! This season, I will be giving friends and family original works of art that I created myself and now you can too. That's right, just by clicking this link, all of your holiday shopping can be easier than adding automatic gratuity to that party of ten teenage girls who shared a plate of nachos with four Diet Cokes and six waters. Yes, this is an ad for my very own Bitchy Waiter necklaces. I have new designs now too. Gummi bear, shrimp and everyone's favorite food group corn dog. And if you don't want a blue gummi bear, then just tell me what color you want? Green? Yes! Yellow? Absolutely! Pink? Gay!

If you have a special request email me and maybe I can create exactly what you want. Just last week, I made a custom Sri Racha hot sauce necklace that came out looking really cool. Have an idea? Email me at sideofmustard@gmail.com.

Okay, I am done. But serioulsy, for every necklace that you buy, a portion of the proceeds goes directly into a fund to provide Citron Vodka for a very needy waiter. Won't you please help? Click here if you care.

Panda Express Workers Might Be Braver Than Me

This blog post is ripped from the headlines: Would-Be Robbers Foiled by Panda Express Workers. When I saw the story I was immediately impressed by the bravery of the employees who surely put their own lives at stake in order to save the cash register. These must be some true blue heroes indeed. But upon reading the story more closely, it turns out that the restaurant was already closed and when the robbers tried to get past the locked doors, the workers simply refused to open the them. Duh. If you see someone with a gun and he is on the other side of a locked door, my thought would be to not unlock it. Now I have never taken any self defense courses or studied the world of criminology, but it seems like there is no other option. What other action would anyone take?

ROBBER: Knock, knock.
WAITER: Who's there?
ROBBER: Robber.
WAITER: Robber who?
ROBBER: Robber with a gun, now open this mother fucking door.
WAITER: Oh, wait did you say robber with a gun or without a gun? I couldn't quite hear you since you are on the other side of a locked door.
ROBBER: Robber with a gun.
WAITER: Oh okay then, hold on and let me unlock this deadbolt. (click) There we are. Come right in, Robber-
ROBBER: Bam, you're dead.

While I am happy that these poor Panda Express workers weren't harmed, I don't really think they thwarted a robbery. Thwarting it would be like the criminals were already in the restaurant and through some kind of plan the bandits were tricked into putting the gun down at which time a waiter fell from a hidden compartment in the ceiling and attacked the robber while another waiter grabbed the gun and called 911. In this case they did what I do to anyone who tries to come into my restaurant after we are closed: give 'em the evil eye, burp out "we're closed" and saunter back to my after shift cocktail. If I am ever in the situation where I am face to face with robbers in my restaurant here is what I would say:

Hold up, lemme get you all the money in the cash register and show you where the safe is. If we can't get it open, I'll help you carry it to your getaway vehicle and you can deal with it later. Here's my wallet, my tips and my five dollar ladies watch that I bought on the corner of Fifth Avenue and 52nd Street. Do you guys wanna a drink? Lemme make you a martini and then when I'm done with the vodka you can put that in your getaway vehicle too. I think my manger has an iPad in his locker. Lemme show you which one it is. Oh and don't forget to take the video tapes from the closed circuit camera with you when you go. Is there anything else you need? You sure? Okay then. Y'all have a good night. Here take this cappuccino machine with you too. Bye bye.

Brave? No, not at all. I ain't no Panda Express worker. I am a freaking coward ass pussy wimp bitch. And proud of it.

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Liz Lemon Wants Me To Be Her Friend

Today is one of those rare days that I don't have to call myself a waiter because I am actually on a television set working as an actor. Uh huh. My favorite show of all time (right after The Brady Bunch and The Facts of Life) called me to work on it today. Today I am acting on 30 Rock. Acting is a funny word though because what I am doing today is basically standing behind the stars and moving my lips and then walking off away from the camera. But the beauty part is there is no tray involved and I don't expect to take any food orders. At lunch time, when the caterers are setting up the spread, I will resist the urge to light the sternos and fold the napkins. Instead, I will get in line behind Jane Krakowski and Alec Baldwin and choose the chicken or the steak and get a piece of pie. Life feels good today. And just think. If I was still working at The Place That Shall Not Be Named, I would have had to turn down this opprtunity. Was I fired? Yeth, yeth, I wath. I am I happy about it? Oh hell yeth.

Sorry this post is so lame, but you know...I'm an actor today.

Cloudy With a Chance of What the Fuck

We as waiters are used to odd requests from our guests who expect us to appease them in the name of good service. People seem to have no problem asking us to do things that may have nothing to do with the actual job we are hired to perform.


There are a few things I don't mind doing:

• Can I get a Jack and Coke on the rocks but with the rocks on the side?
• Can you put the pickle on a separate plate because pickles freak me out when they touch my other food?
• Would you mind fixing the blinds so the sun doesn't shine in my eyes? I have astigmatism and just had my eyes dilated.
• Can you put my mimosa in a coffee cup so nobody knows I am drinking?
• Can you wrap my food to go because I think this reuben sandwich will taste better if I eat it at home?

There are a few things that I can't believe people will ask me to do:

• Can you turn off the television because we don't allow our kids to watch TV when they eat?
• Would it be possible for you to run to the store and get some Aunt Jemima syrup since I don't like maple?
• Is it alright if you watch my baby while I go to the bathroom?
• Will you taste this and tell me if you think it's good?
• Can you make me a double non-fat macchiato with low fat chocolate syrup and the whipped cream on the side with just a sprinkling of organic cinnamon and then put it in a wine glass with a birthday candle on it?

But the other day, the hostess at my job shared with me a phone conversation she had just had. "Hello, I'm calling to get information about "Lola Falana" who will be performing there on December 4th, 5th and 6th." Our hostess, the ever consummate professional, was eager to please and asked the caller what she needed to know. Performance times, ticket cost, directions to the club? The lady responded by saying, "Yes, what is the weather going to be like on December 4th, 5th and 6th?" Lady, c'mon. This ain't the freaking weather channel. Did it sound like Sam Champion answered the phone? Did you dial 1-800- Accu-Weather Forecast? Seriously? But our hostess apparently has a different list than I do regarding things she will and won't do in the name of good service. She actually went onto the Internet and found a weather forecast and relayed the information the lady. She's like our own personal meteorologist. The lady hung up satisfied and our hostess had a funny story to tell and I got something to write about. I host there too sometimes. Had I picked up the phone, the lady would not have gotten a weather forecast from me. I would have told her there is a 50% chance of I dunno with a humility level of 100% and a cool front of apathy likely to come into our area at any moment.


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Cash, Credit or Scamming?

We have all had people who have tried to skip out on their check and the occasional walk out who actually succeeds at getting a meal without paying for it. It happens rarely even though it seems like it would happen more often. A few days ago, I encountered a man who was either trying to skip out on his bill or he was incredibly forgetful. Either way, he got on my nerves and as I was trying to fix the situation a thought popped into my head: at least I have something to write about.

At my job, we place all the checks down at the same time immediately after the show is over. Therefore, we have to make change for everyone at once and it can get very confusing when you have ten or twelve tables all throwing credit cards and cash at you at the same time. Table six had a pile of money on the check presenter and when they told me they didn't need any change, it went to the bottom of the stack since I was finished with them. About ten minutes later when I started closing checks, I came across their $129 check and saw that the pile of money was only twenty dollars. Hold up now, wait, what? Frantically, I hurried around the club to see if they were still there so I could squeeze out the remaining $109 (plus tip) from their pocketbooks. At first they were nowhere to be found. Fuck, I had let them leave without double checking their total? What am I, a hack? An amateur? I ran downstairs and then back upstairs looking like a chicken with his head cut off who didn't want to have to cover $109. Then, I spotted one of them up at the front of the room chatting to a group of people. I went up to the man. "Excuse me, but I just wanted to make sure of something. You said you didn't need change right?" "That's right," he said. I looked down at the twenty dollars and then looked back at him with a "so what the hell?" expression. "That's your tip," he said. "I gave you my credit card, remember?" I was really busy so I though maybe he did and I had forgotten. Or maybe he gave it to someone else and he thought it was me. "Oh, alright then. Well, I don't have the signed voucher, maybe you took both of them by accident?" He looked confused. I went to the computer and pulled up his check and there was no credit card info on it meaning it was not swiped by me or anyone else. I went back to the potential scammer.

ME: Can I see your credit voucher just to make sure it didn't get rung under another server's number?
HIM: I dunno if I have it.
Well, can you look?
ME: Did you give me your credit card?
HIM: Yeah, and then you handed it right back to me.
Without going to swipe it? Why the fuck would I do that?
ME: Are you sure you gave it to me?
HIM: I think so.
ME: And you don't know if you have the copy that you signed?
HIM: Uh, I dunno. I don't remember.
Okay, it was like ten minutes ago and he doesn't remember? Is he playing dumb? He seemed too young to be in the early stages of dementia. And I must ask, if one is in the early stages of dementia, how long does it take to be fully demented? (Stole that line from Naked in a Fishbowl).
HIM: You can swipe my card again if you need to, just make sure I don't get charged twice.
Listen buddy, I don't wanna charge you twice. I wanna charge you once.

I took him to my computer and showed him the check. I showed him how there was no credit card info on it and then after I swiped it there was meaning this was the first time it had been swiped. He shrugged his shoulders and said "Okay, if you say so." I do say so, ass. You didn't pay. Maybe you forgot or maybe you were trying to be slick, but you didn't pay and I caught your ass. I do think it was an honest mistake, because if he was trying to skip out, he would have left immediately. But what irked me was that he was acting like I was the one doing something shady. In the end, he paid his check, left me a decent tip and was nice about it, but I don't really get it. Can someone really forget something that quickly? Maybe he was so wrapped up in my attentive and stellar service that he was unable to focus on anything else. Yeah, that's it.


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A Comment on Comments

Okay. This is the last I will focus any attention on this matter of being let go from the "new job" and Whistleblower Penelope. She left her final comment (so she says) so I shall respond:

Penelope says:

You were fired, let go, etc. BECAUSE they know. Did you by chance read the email commenting on staff not tweeting, fb, bloging (sic) on celebrities that come into the restaurant. That was because they read your blog.

Penelope, when I was "let go" they were very careful to NOT mention the blog, because they knew that I did nothing against the rules. They came up with a bullshit reason to fire me citing my "scheduling issues" which were not really a problem at all. I was in agreement to not say that I was fired for the blog and went along with the official reason of my "scheduling issues." But thank you for confirming that the reason I was fired was for anonymously writing a personal opinion piece. Surely, they didn't want that to be thought of as the reason because there has been case after case taken to court that gives people the right to comment online about their place of work if it is done anonymously. Which it was. People have taken employers to court to fight for their job back after being fired for the reason you just told me I was fired for. Luckily, I don't want the job back. But thanks for confirming. As for the email about not Tweeting, etc, that came to me after I was fired. No where in the piles of crap that I signed did it say anything about that. I checked. I bet from now on there will be though. You're welcome.

"Lispy Gay Manager was really hurt by a fellow gay making fun of him."

Well, then maybe you shouldn't have shown him the blog. I guess you hold some responsibility for his feelings being hurt, because it wasn't me who alerted him about the highly fictionalized version of him. And who says I'm gay? Me? Gay? That's silly, girlfriend.

"Maybe this will help confirm things for you. Behind your back we refer to you as Side Show Bob."

Side Show Bob is cool. You don't have to refer to me that way behind my back. Friends refer to me that way in front of my back. I don't mind it.


"Ok I am really going to stop indulging in this."

I doubt you can stop indulging in this. The Bitchy Waiter is like a donut. You know it's not that good for you, but it's a guilty pleasure. I know you have probably been reading the whole time since I was fired and couldn't wait to respond to the "I was fired post." And you did it. The day I posted it. Thank you for not disappointing me.

And you should also know that I have gotten more than a few emails from people from the "new job" who said they like the blog. They have agreed with many of my observations about some of the people that were written about. So, I was not the only "cancer" on the staff. Maybe you should spend some time searching out who also thinks some of the staff there have sticks up their asses. I am not the only one. I have the emails to prove it. And I recognize some of the fans on the Facebook page too. So yes, I am done with this. I wrote some mean things. I'm sorry. But you know what? The staff there was not very friendly to me either. I understand why. People must come and go so quickly (Judy Garland reference and so gay) there and people don't want to invest any time in the new folks until they know they are going to be there for a while. It's a shit show. There was no communication, the policies were never explained to me, I was told I did not have a paycheck when in fact I did, they ignored my emails, and they never followed through on what I was told would happen from orientation through getting on the floor. I was excited to work there when I got hired, but it changed. If no one would have been an ass to me, I wouldn't have had anything bad to write about.

And scene.

Thisisnotanexit goes digital

A short blog post as we descend into hibernation - the snow has come so its time to hide away and listen to the Detachments album on repeat (trust us it's made for when there are days with snow on the ground) and wait until the warmth reappears.

To get you through the nights here are FOUR rare / unreleased tracks you can get from the Thisisnotanexit store. Not available anywhere else. What price exclusivity?

Detachments - The Flowers That Fell (Niallist ColdMixx) by ThisisnotanexitRecords

Naum Gabo - Pictur (Tim Goldsworthy Remix Parts I-VI) by ThisisnotanexitRecords

Both of the above plus the T&A End Of The Pier Remix of Detachments Holiday Romance and the CFCF Remix of The Dark Esquire's Situation can be got from here and only here. Buy them from us and we might be able to buy little Timmy something nice for Christmas.

Seriouksly, ik need a new laptkop and thiks iks the state mky keyboard iks ikn at the mkkoment. Nikghtkmare.

http://thisisnotanexitrecords.bigcartel.com/