More Tequila Please

Some people have no idea that they are full blown annoying. They think just because they say "please" and "thank you" it makes it alright that they have way too many requests and special needs. You know the table who comes in and says "I am going to be the best customer you get all night?" They are never the best customer you get all night. Just like the person who says he is really going to take care of you when it comes time to tip never really takes care of you when it comes time to tip. I had one of these folks last week.

At my job, it is table service only. The bar that they walk by when they come in to the club is strictly a service bar. They have to plop their ass at their assigned table where I will then come and take their order and then bring their drink. This lady walked in and was leaning all over the bar looking at the bottles of liquor. The bartender kindly lets her know it's table service only. "Oh, I know, I'm just saying hello. And I want to see what all you have to drink. Thank you." But she she just stood there. And stood there. And stood there. Finally, she managed to get to her seat where I went to get her drink order.

"Hi there," she tells me. "Do you have Cabo Wabo Tequila?"
"No, I'm sorry, we don't. We do have-"
"Oh shoot," she interrupted. "I really wanted that. What about Don Julio Reposado?"

Now this bitch had just spent ten minutes staring at the shelves of liquor so she should have known it better than I do. Or maybe she thought we had a secret liquor cabinet somewhere that she wasn't aware of. I tried again. "No, we don't have that either. We have Patron, Jose Cuervo, Herra-"
She interrupted me again. "Do you have Herradura?"
"Yes. Yes we have that."
"Okay, I guess that will do. I want that in a shot glass please with two lemons and a glass of soda water." I was surprised that she asked for lemons because most people like lime with tequila. Personally, I don't care. I will eat a banana with tequila if that's all I have. Or a mango. Or a potato. I really don't care. "And I'd like lemon in the soda as well. Thank you."

I wrote down lemon so that I wouldn't automatically give her limes as I am so used to doing. A few minutes later I took the drinks to her. She was with a man who finally spoke up. "Whoa, buddy. You got the wrong color. She wanted limes. Limes go with tequila." I looked at the lady so she could correct him. Then she looked back at me and said, "Yes, sweetie, I wanted limes. Thank you."

What in the fuckity fuck? I know she said lemon. I wrote it down. I questioned it as I wrote it down. I heard lemon because she said lemon. She even said she wanted lemon in her soda as well meaning in addition to the lemon that she wanted for her tequila. But I went and got the limes. "Thank you so much," she said through a big toothy smile.

Fifteen minutes into the show, the man calls me over and whispers in my ear. "Hey buddy, it's cold in here. The air is blowing right on us, buddy. Can you do something about that, buddy?" Enough with the buddy. I'm not your buddy. Buddy is a dog. Or an Elf. I went and turned off the fan so that the Royal Couple at table 28 could be happy. They asked for another round and I made sure to bring limes this time to Princess Tequila because, you know, lemons would be the wrong color.

They tipped me fine. It wasn't that they were so horrible, it was just that they constantly had to tell me something or ask me a dumb ass question. And they were always polite about it so it just made it annoying. And the whole lemon/lime thing stuck in my craw. ("Stuck in my craw?" Who am I, using that old fashioned idiom? My great grandma?) As they walked by the service station to leave, she said thank you again and I could tell she was little bit drunk from her tequila shots. I was satisfied with my 15% tip. They were nice enough, I just don't want to go to the same table that many times no matter how often I hear "please" and "thank you." And she did say lemons.

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Blizzard=Garbage

So this post doesn't have doodly squat to do with waiting tables but it does have to do with bitching and "bitchy" is half my moniker. Maybe some of you heard that over here on the East Coast we get these things called "blizzards" which involve a lot of snow, cold and wind. They can sometimes paralyze a city which is what happened on December 26th of last year. We got 20" of snow and it was the sixth largest storm to ever hit the city. Or that's what the guy on the news said anyway. It took a few days for the city to get their act together and plow all the streets. But here it is twelve days since the snowstorm and my neighborhood is piled high with garbage. Seriously, it looks the walk-in at the Houlihan's I used to work at. Supposedly, the city is too busy cleaning up from the blizzard to get around to removing the trash that has been collecting on sidewalks. If this turns into a rat infestation then it will be like the walk-in at the Pizzeria Uno I used to work at.

I made this video for our esteemed Mayor Mike Bloomberg to see. If you are a New Yorker, I hope you will share this so that eventually he can see it. And then maybe he will become a fan of the Bitchy Waiter and my life will be complete.




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The Best Damn Hamburger. Ever.

If you live in New York City, you have probably been to the Shake Shack. If you have never been there, you have at least heard of it. It's a burger joint that opened a few years ago in Madison Square Park and has since spread out across the city and even to Miami. I don't know what it is about the burgers, but they sorta melt in your mouth and make you crave another one. The lines are always crazy long. The location in the park sometimes has a line that wraps around the block and you might have to wait for twenty or thirty minutes to get to the counter, but people do it. I do it. The beef is all natural I suppose with no hormones or any of that crap but I also think they sprinkle a bit of crack cocaine and meth in it just to make sure we come back. Having never seen the recipe, I can't say for certain that the burger is full of addictive and illegal narcotics, but I am about 80% sure. I went to a Shake Shack a few days ago to get my fix. As usual, the line was long and people were desperate to get a seat.

When I got in line, I immediately started scouting the room for a table. The place is sorta like a fast food restaurant in that you order and pay for your food at the counter and then just go find a place to sit. While in line, I saw a woman and child sitting at a four top reading books. I was about to go all bitchy waiter on their asses and ask them to move on if they had already eaten. Go to the library or Barnes and Nobel if you are just reading. I watched them the whole time I was in line. Eventually, I realized that they had someone who was in line for them and they were just holding to the table. Okay, fine. Then I saw two women sitting in a prime booth who only had a few french fries left. After I ordered my food, I sat on a bench next to them waiting for my number to be called and waiting for them to leave. I was not the only one who had spied them. Easily, three or four other people were watching those bitches like hawks. All of us waiting until the last french fry went into their mouths so we could swoop in and steal the table. Down the bench from me was a mother with her two kids who also wanted that booth. We jockeyed for position as the two women began to pick up their things. The mother was hustling her kids and things and practically sprinting to the booth. I must have been soft that day, because I decided to let the mom have the table. Blame it on the new year, but I was being nice.

My number was called and I got my burger and ate it at the less than ideal bench. But the food made up for my seat. I got a double and the meat was like a pat of butter. The bun was like a cloud. The cheese was like...uh...it was like...oh fuck, it was like cheese. Cheese is perfection. I wolfed it down along with my crispy crinkle cut fries and when it was all gone, I felt sad. I honestly thought about getting back in line for another, but by this time the line was out the door and down the sidewalk. I noticed that the mom had left her two kids at the booth. They were no longer eating and I figured that she went to the bathroom. People were circling that booth like a pack of wolves. I mean, here are two little kids sitting at a booth and they aren't even eating anymore. Meanwhile, the wolves are walking around with their trays of food needing a place to sit. Any minute, I expected someone to oust those kids. And yeah, the kids looked scared. I imagined that they felt like they were sitting on a blow up raft in the middle of the ocean when shark fins suddenly appear. From across the room, I hear, "Put your coat on the booth, Chelsea. PUT YOUR COAT ON THE BOOTH!" I looked over to see the mom in line again and now and making sure that everyone knew that fucking booth was claimed. Basically she was saying "Get the fuck away from the booth and my kids because I will be right here with another order of french fries, bitches."

People don't mess around at the Shake Shack. You gotta go there. And when you go, make sure you bring your jogging shoes, a strong will and maybe a big pointy stick if you want a place to sit. It ain't easy. But so worth it.



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Chick-fil-A Can Eat Me

Yesterday's post, "Chick-Fil-A a Big Ol' Homophobe?" ruffled a lot of feathers and today I have learned that the company has removed their logo from the banners advertising "The Art of Marriage" retreat in Pennsylvania. Again, the conference was some kind of retreat that was going to teach husbands and wives how to strengthen their marriage based on the teachings of the Bible. Or something like that. While the organization offering the retreat, Pennsylvania Family Institute, may not be specifically anti-gay, they do stand behind the idea that marriage is between one man and one woman. So, yeah, it's just kind of anti-gay in a backhanded way. Chick-Fil-A must have gotten sick of all the bloggers and Tweeters mentioning their name in association with them because they are no longer listed as a sponsor. But I'm sure they still support it. The Advocate says that in the past Chick-Fil-A has given tons of dollars to Focus on the Family which was founded by the whack job Reverend James Dobson. That organization is straight up anti-gay and even supports those programs where they claim to turn gay people straight. (And on a side note, is there anything sadder than seeing a "straight" man claiming how thankful he is to no longer be a homosexual even as he rests his hand uncomfortably on the leg of his his wife who always either looks like a lesbian or a fag hag?)

So bravo to Chick-Fil-A for removing their name from a banner even though we all know where they stand. Now you have your bigotry concealed instead of out in the open. Whatever. And I must mention Greg B. who commented:

Using the argument, "Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you have to be against it," is a contradiction with your choice to boycott them.

Again I agree that their business has nothing to do with marriage of any sort, so they shouldn't mix the two. But you and they are both making economic and political choices based on personal opinions. Nothing wrong with that. It's only contradictory when you do it then say they shouldn't do it.

The better argument is to recognize their right to have an opinion and take action based on it. Then, point out to them your same right as their customer, and only then boycott them. Subtle but important difference. Don't stoop to their own hypocrisy.

You are right. I stand corrected. Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I have to be against it. I choose to be against it because I believe differently. Thank you for pointing out the difference, I get it.

These posts have drifted a bit from my usual ranting, but the whole thing pisses me off. I just don't get how so many people can be so opposed to something that does not affect them at all. I have a teeny tiny soap box with this blog and sometimes I want to stand on it. Let me explain why it is so important to me. I have been with my partner for a long time. In April, we will celebrate our 20 year anniversary. Why the fuck is my relationship less worthy than these bitches who meet their husband on The Bachelor? Why can Britney Spears marry a guy in Las Vegas and then divorce him ten seconds later? Why is it legal for two complete strangers to get married as long as they are of opposite sex while I can't? I have shared my life with the same man for twenty years. I don't know anyone who has a longer relationship than we do, gay or straight. I realize this post will offend some readers and maybe they will not come back. But it's important for people to know why I am so vigilant about this issue. It's because it is my life. My big gay life. So fuck you, Chick -Fil-A. (I will miss your fresh-squeezed lemonade.)


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Chick-Fil-A a Big Ol' Homophobe?

It's no secret that I have professed my love for all things Chick-Fil-A. I grew up in the south so a trip to the mall was not complete without getting that perfectly fried piece of chicken on a white bun with pickles. No garnish, no condiment, no nothing. Pair that bitch up with some waffle fries and a soft serve ice cream cone and I am one happy bastard. However, it pains me to see in the news that Chick-Fil-A is throwing money and support behind some lame ass pro-marriage (read anti gay) group for some stupid ass conference in February. "The Art of Marriage" is designed to “help couples apply what the Bible teaches about marriage in a powerful way.” And since we all know it's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, that means the gays can all go fuck themselves. Why, Chick-Fil-A, why? Why must you soil your delicious reputation by spreading this lack of inclusion around our country? Can't you see that gay marriage is no more of a threat to heterosexual marriage than the Burger King chicken sandwich is to your chicken sandwich? Some people want to marry another guy and some people want to eat a Burger King chicken sandwich. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you have to be against it, does it? Would I ever eat a Burger King chicken sandwich? No, I don't like them. But I am not going to support an organization that wants to make them illegal either. Let's all live in peaceful marriage and chicken sandwich harmony, okay?

And don't even get me started on the "but the Bible says so" argument. We all know it says plenty of things that people have chosen to ignore like not working on the Sabbath and being stoned too death for adultery what not. Here are some things that are in the Bible that people seem to think are not important:

• Leviticus 19:28 says, “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” Wow, this Jimmeny Cricket tattoo might have been a big mistake then.
• Leviticus 19:19 says, “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” So that apron I wear at work? The cotton/poly blend? Sin!
• Mark 10:11-12 says, “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.’” I know a lot of freakin' adulterers then. And so do you.
• Deuteronomy 23:1 says in God’s Word translation, “A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord.” So I knew this guy in college who lost one of his balls when he was water skiing. He fell and the rope went between his legs and took one of his balls with it. I'm sure it hurt but not as much as his eternal damnation to the fiery pits of Hell.

My point is that just because it says so in the Bible does not mean it has to be the law for the United States in 2011. Chick-Fil-A, if you are so caught up in maintaining the sanctity of marriage, why not throw some of your waffle fries money to make divorce illegal? I get it, you're a Christian based company. You are closed on Sunday (which always sucked when I was a kid because that was my mall day and your ass was always gated up.) But can't you just do what you do best and leave the whole gay marriage thing alone? Get your ass back behind the counter and make some fucking chicken sandwiches and leave the gay marriage thing alone.

In the meantime, I will no longer be your customer. And I hope anyone who reads this will do the same thing. I ban you. As much as I love you, I shall forsake you. You're wrong, Chick-Fil-A. Just wrong.

pp

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Bitchy Waiter New Year's Resolutions

Father Time dragged his sorry ass outta here four days ago already and I have yet to come up with my resolutions for 2011. Meanwhile, Baby New Year needs to stop crying for Cheerios and shut the hell up. So far I can actually say that I have spent fifty percent of 2011 being hungover. Nice. Real nice. Before I make up some shit to resolve for the new year, maybe I should look at last year's resolutions and see if I stuck to any of them.

pause, as I look them over...

Okay, so a few of them stuck. I did not spit in the food of anyone and to be honest I have only done that once and it was well deserved and about a hundred years ago. Remind me to tell you that story, okay? I also did not use the "C word" all year even though it was very difficult. Marlene will be proud. I will resolve a few things for 2011 and see how it goes. I have a history of breaking resolutions going all the way back to 1983 when I promised myself to not masturbate anymore and then on January 2nd, my diary said "already broke that one resolution." Anyhoo...

1. If I get hired at a new job and decide to blog about them, I will be more careful about what is written. I do not need any more Penelope "C word" bitches up in my life.
2. In 2011 I hope to have more initiative to, you know, work. I will not try to give my shifts away to other people and try not to say "no" when people ask me to work for them. (This may be broken by Thursday.)
3. I resolve to have more patience when people can't decide what they want to order. Like if they need to take twenty fucking minutes to figure out if they want a Coke or Sprite, I will not let steam come out of my ears in utter frustration. I will simply say, "take your time" and let them agonize over that stupid fucking decision all they want.
4. I will try not to be such a fucking social media whore who is always plastering this website on any blog, forum or comment section that I can log on to. I will let go, let God.
5. I will learn French.
6. This year, when anonymous people leave hateful anonymous comments, I will understand that they are just a small-minded and possibly small-penised losers who have no other way to express themselves. I will not get upset and go all ape shit on them and write a whole post about them and what a miserable human being they appear to be. (This may be be broken by Thursday.)
7. I will iron my uniform before every shift unless it still looks pretty good from the last time it was ironed and/or I am in too big a hurry to care that my shirt is wrinkled a bit because who is going to notice once I light the candles and turn the lights down extra low?
8. From now on, if I see slime in the ice machine, I will not use that ice for beverages. (Note: I mean this only if said beverages are for me. If they are for someone else, I may or may not use the slimy ice. Mood dependent.)
9. I will try to use speelcheck more often.
10. Again, I promise to appreciate everyone who takes three or four minutes out of their day to read the words that I vomit out on this blog. The emails and comments I get from readers make me want to continue writing. I sincerely mean that. Happy New Year. And thank you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

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Thisisnotanexit 2011

Here's an exclusive link to the new Headman Remix of Detachments Audio Video coming in 2011 on Thisisnotanexit Records.

Detachments - Audio Video (Headman Remix) by ThisisnotanexitRecords

Other remixes to come including a dub mix from Headman as well as Stopmakingme, Andy Blake and Pink Stallone.

Happy new year from Thisisnotanexit